At the start of this series, I shared that one of the things that makes new experiences difficult is not having realistic expectations. Without prior experience, how can anyone know what to expect? My goal through writing these posts is for people who feel unsure of whether therapy is right for them will be afforded a clearer picture of what they can expect from the counselling experience.
I started by sharing the steps of the counselling process. I then addressed myths that question what Registered Clinical Counsellors do, and spoke to the efficacy of therapy. Today, I am wrapping up the series by answering the question “What should I expect from my counsellor?”
The question of “What should I expect from my counsellor” addresses the counsellor’s behaviours, personality, and ethical commitments. Movies and television shows do a poor job of exhibiting ethical therapist behavior. Fictional therapists are either too emotional or emotionally distant. They are focused only on money, or they chronically disregard ethical boundaries in the name of “the greater good.” Fictional therapists are seen gossiping about clients, or becoming the client’s love-interest. The portrayal is highly unrealistic, and perpetuates many counselling myths.
How should a counsellor act in real life? Let’s discuss.
Myth: Counsellors are only in it for the money
I recently heard comedian Taylor Tomlinson joke about what therapists do. She ended the bit by saying that the therapist tells the client to “keep coming back here every week, and bring your credit card.” As funny as Tomlinson’s bit is, it also highlights a prevalent myth: that therapists just want the paycheque.
If a Registered Clinical Counsellor is in private practice, then their role is to provide quality counselling services, and to charge a fee that provides for the business needs, as well as the counsellor’s professional development and wage. Understandably, counsellors need to make a wage so that they can provide for their own needs.
Registered Clinical Counsellors have an ethical responsibility to provide services at a reasonable cost. Before setting their fees, Registered Clinical Counsellors consider factors such as overhead costs, the cost of continued education, and the number of clients they can reasonably expect to see each week. They also consult the BC Association of Clinical Counsellor’s recommended fee guide, and adhere to ethical regulations about marketing practices.
I cannot speak for all counsellors, but I can speak for myself. I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor because I am highly interested in psychology, I am skilled at developing genuine connections with clients, and I feel fulfilled knowing that the work I do helps people. I chose to work in private practice because I can have flexible hours that allow me to navigate family life while also supporting clients. Money is an important factor, but it is not the reason that I do what I do.
Myth: Counsellors are emotionally removed and humourless
I often see counsellors depicted as emotionally removed and humourless in tv shows and movies. Clients will attend a session, and the counsellor will nod and say “hmm,” before offering a highly clinical evaluative statement. There is little emotional expression from the counsellor, and if the client makes a joke, the counsellor usually gives them a concerned look while jotting a note on a notepad. If this is what counsellors were like in real life, I wouldn’t want to go to therapy!
In reality, all counsellors experience emotional reactions, and there are important ethical boundaries than need to be respected; however, that doesn’t mean that counsellors should emotionally restrict themselves to the point of being robotic. In general counsellors are warm and welcoming, while having mannerisms unique to their personality.
Regardless of personality differences, all counsellors should be emotionally appropriate. If you tell me about a sad experience, I’ll show sadness. What I won’t do is tell you about how your experience personally impacts me. If I did that, then you might feel concerned about upsetting me, which would reduce how comfortable you are talking to me.
As a counsellor, I am trained to manage my emotions so that when clients tell me about emotional experience, I don’t become emotionally overwhelmed. If I do have a strong emotional response, I can manage those feelings in my personal time. As a client, you don’t have to worry about upsetting me or being “too much” for me.
So yes, counsellors can and should show emotion. What’s more, they can and should laugh with their clients! Humour in a counselling session is perfectly acceptable, and even encouraged. I very much enjoy integrating humour in my work because laughing together helps build rapport and connection. Humour becomes an issue when clients use jokes to avoid addressing issues; however, a skilled counsellor knows how to address this, and helps clients become more comfortable with uncomfortable emotions.
Myth: Counsellors secretly talk about “how crazy” their clients are behind their backs
There are a lot of issues with the idea that counsellors talk about their clients outside of session. First, it is a major ethics violation. Second, it does not account for counsellors’ compassion and respect for their clients.
Registered Clinical Counsellors are members of the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors, and in order to join the Association, they have to adhere to the BCACC’s code of ethical conduct, and well-defined standards of practice. The code of ethical conduct, and the standards of practice let clients know what they can expect from a Registered Clinical Counsellor. There is structure and boundaries, which protect both clients and counsellors.
Gossiping about a client would be an act of betrayal. As a counsellor, I listen to people’s intimate and vulnerable stories. I recognize the level of trust it takes to share these things, and I greatly respect that trust. It is unimaginable to me to disrespect my clients in this way, and other counsellors in my acquaintance feel the same way.
Myth: My counsellor will become my best friend/romantic partner
Shifting from a counselling relationship to a friendship or romantic relationship is also ethically alarming. It is certainly not unheard of for clients to want to be friends with or become romantically involved with their counsellor. If you watch mainstream media, you might even think it is common (for example, therapists date clients in TV shows like Ted Lasso, and How I Met Your Mother). In reality, if a counsellor were to act on these feelings, it would be another type of betrayal.
Counsellors are committed to emotionally supporting their clients, but one of the reasons why therapy works so well is that clients are not expected to emotionally support their counsellors. The client does not see the counsellor as a whole person; they only see the counsellor when they are in their counsellor role. In other words, the client is developing feelings for an image, not a whole person. They may feel betrayed when they realize that their counsellor is not the same person when they aren’t wearing the counsellor hat.
Another significant issue here is the imbalance of power, which makes the once-client-now-friend/partner vulnerable to abuse. The counsellor knows your vulnerable stories, secrets, and triggers. Whether intending to or not, the once-counsellor-now-friend/partner can hurt you by using this information to manipulate or deceive you.
If you experience romantic feelings for your counsellor, you don’t have to stop seeing them. If it becomes an issue, you can talk to them about it, and they can help you process the feelings; however, the counsellor should never act on those feelings.
Conclusion
Myths and misconceptions about what it is like to see a Registered Clinical Counsellor are damaging. They inspire fear, and create a barrier so that people who genuinely would benefit from professional mental health support do not access it.
This series has addressed many questions about therapy, with the goal of creating a realistic image of what it is like to speak to a counsellor.
If you would like to start a counselling journey, I encourage you to reach out to one of the counsellors on the True Peace Counselling team (available to adult clients in British Columbia, Canada). You can see a counsellor in-person in Victoria’s Westshore, or virtually through video calling software. Seeing a counsellor can be a very rewarding experience.
Check out our “Team” page to learn more about the True Peace Counselling team. Book a free consultation, and start your journey to empowerment.
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