Blame vs. Responsibility: Empower Yourself Through a New Mindset

Noticing a pattern that keeps you stuck is disheartening and frustrating. You might feel like giving up, because it seems like no matter how much you try to improve yourself, you keep finding pieces that are holding you back. If you haven’t read the first post in this series, that’s a good place to start (Blame vs. Responsibility: Why Fault is Never the Point). This post picks up where it left off.

You have recognized that the blame mindset feels safe, but it ultimately leads to loneliness. It is time to shift into the responsibility mindset. A part of you may feel excited at the prospect of a stronger sense of self and healthier relationships. Another part may feel disheartened at the prospect of more personal work. It is okay to feel tired, but remember: recognizing the need for change doesn’t mean that you are broken. It means that you are growing, and that is admirable.

Shifting your mindset requires effort upfront, and that effort is often what stops people. Instead of trying to change everything at once, make the change little by little. Start by envisioning what a responsibility mindset will feel like, and the rest will follow.

What does a responsibility mindset feel like?

Imagine making a mistake, and not feeling overwhelmed by shame. Instead, you acknowledge your mistake, and feel proportionally bad about how the mistake has impacted others. Where your thoughts once may have been “I’m such a screw up,” you now think to yourself “That was not the right thing to do. Next time I will do better.” The difference isn’t that you don’t feel bad about the effects of your wrong choice; it is that you know that just because your actions caused harm doesn’t mean that you are a worthless person.

Now consider how you react when someone else’s actions hurt you. In a blame mindset, you either disregard your own pain by blaming yourself for the other person’s actions, or you bury the other person in shame by focusing exclusively on how they have messed up. The blame mindset doesn’t create space for accountability and repair.

When you have a responsibility mindset, you assess the situation more clearly. Yes, you feel the pain of a ruptured relationship, but that pain doesn’t take control. Instead, you can say “This person’s actions hurt me, and if they would like to repair, I need them to be accountable for their actions.”

A responsibility mindset feels empowering because you are only responsible for your own behaviours and choices. What’s more, the foundation of the responsibility mindset is unshakeable human worth. From a blame mindset, you live with constant tension because to make a mistake threatens your worth. In a responsibility mindset, you can relax because mistakes are not a reflection of your worth; they are an opportunity for repair and growth.

How does a responsibility mindset lead to relationship repair?

Relationship repair happens when both parties lower their defenses, take accountability for their part in the rupture, and hold space for the other person’s perspective. Repair requires curiosity and openness.

Shifting out of a blame mindset and into a responsibility mindset creates opportunity for relationship repair. In a responsibility mindset, you ask yourself “How can I respond to this situation in a way that I will be proud of?” The choices that follow this question will be focused on repair rather than shame.

The focus of a responsibility mindset is personal autonomy. You recognize that each person needs to make decisions for themselves. It is difficult to say to a friend “I am hurt by what you said,” but the long-term impact of such a decision is that you deepen the bond of the relationship. Your friend has an opportunity to apologize, and you have an opportunity to feel heard.

Alternatively, you might say to your friend “I said things that hurt you, and I want to apologize. It wasn’t okay for me to say those things, and I am truly sorry.” The depth of this apology is unshakeable. You aren’t saying “I am a screw up”; you are saying “I screwed up. What can I do to fix my mistake?”

The responsibility mindset is compassionate. It allows for others to make mistakes because each person can trust that the other will take responsibility for themselves. You apologize and make amends, but your actions are not met with shame and fault. You are met with compassion, and willingness to repair.

It is inevitable that you will make mistakes that hurt the people you love. This is the human condition. Letting go of the blame mindset and replacing it with the responsibility mindset strengthens your relationships because when you do mess up, you know that you can be forgiven. You can lower your defenses, and be your true self because you know that despite your flaws, you are accepted.

How do you shift from a blame mindset to a responsibility mindset?

I frequently say that awareness is the key to change. If you are not aware of a pattern or a problem, then you cannot identify what needs to be changed. The following steps will help you get started.

Reflect

For the next week, notice your mindset. Reflect on your interactions, and consider your focus. Were you focused on determining how others have wronged you, or on how you have messed up? If this is your focus, then you are living with a blame mindset.

Pause before you react

Your next urge might be to get upset with yourself for having a blame mindset. Try to let go of this urge. Getting upset with yourself is just another form of blaming yourself. Instead, ask yourself “What can I do instead?” Replay your interactions, and try to rewrite your response from the perspective, “What is my responsibility in this situation?”

Exercise self-compassion

Sometimes changing your mindset elicits strong emotions. You may not recognize it, but you are challenging deeply rooted beliefs when you change the way you respond to others. You might notice your jaw clench when you think about letting go of blame, or a sense of panic may settle into your chest. Remember, blame is a protective mindset, and shifting away from blame means lowering your defenses.

Allow yourself to struggle with this change. Growth requires energy, and energy spent often feels like a struggle. Say to yourself “It is hard to change. I am allowed to struggle with this, and struggling does not mean that I am failing.” As you say this to yourself, notice what happens to the tension in your body. Breathe, and allow your body to relax.

Focus on what is in your control

Imagine you are holding a basket that contains the things that you control. Examine the items in your basket. They might include your breathing, your body posture, and how you choose to respond in a situation. Additionally, you control how you spend your money, how you spend your free time, and whether you stay in a place or leave.

If you look in your basket and see things like “How other people act” or “What other people feel,” then you need to take those out of the basket. You cannot control other people, and so these items do not belong in the basket of control. Carrying these items will make your basket heavy, and you will feel undue stress about how to manage the items that don’t actually belong to you.

What if the other person won’t take responsibility?

Asking this question feels like a gut punch. What happens if the other person refuses to take responsibility? You feel your chest tighten with tension as you recognize the truth: you cannot control the other person. At first, the realization may bring about a sense of helplessness. You feel helpless because you are focused on something you cannot control. Take a breath, and consider what is in your control.

You control what behaviours you allow in your life. If another person acts poorly toward you, you do not have to continue engaging them. You can set limits on your time with them, or end the relationship if the person absolutely refuses to change.

Alex and Jordan have been friends for years. Lately, Alex has been feeling resentful because every time Alex disagrees with Jordan, Jordan becomes passive aggressive and distant. Not wanting to upset Jordan, Alex doesn’t say anything. Then Alex decides to be honest with Jordan, in hopes that they can repair their friendship.

Alex makes plans to see Jordan, and says “I have to talk to you about something difficult. I notice that if I disagree with you, you get upset. For example, last week when we went to the movies, we disagreed on which movie to see. You told me the movie I wanted to see looked dumb, then bought tickets for the other movie. When I protested, you ignored me. After the movie, you left without talking to me, and then you didn’t respond to my messages for a week. I don’t know if you notice this pattern, but I do. I would appreciate it if when you are upset with me, you would say ‘I am upset with you’ so that we can talk it out. I need to be able to have my own opinions in our friendship.“

In an ideal outcome, Jordan would express concern that Alex is not feeling valued in the friendship, and the two would discuss what needs to change. Ideally, this conversation leaves the friendship in a better place than where it started.

The ideal response doesn’t always happen. Jordan might tell Alex that the situation is imaginary, or say that Alex is being too sensitive. Alex can try again with more firm language, but if Jordan will not take responsibility, then the friendship will be impacted. It may even end.

If another person will not take responsibility for their actions, then there is nothing that you can do to force them. In the same way that the people in your life deserve to be treated well, so do you. If you are not being treated well, and the other person refuses to hear your perspective, then it is time to move on.

What can you do about it?

Realizing that a personal pattern needs to change might make you exhale with a mix of exasperation and determination. On the one hand, you may be tired of “doing the work.” On the other hand, you can see why it makes sense to shift from blame to responsibility. Focusing on blame can preserve dysfunctional relationships, while requiring accountability may end them. Eventually, a responsibility mindset leads to healthy relationships with much less drama, but to get there requires perseverance.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, pause. Give yourself space to be stressed. Anchor yourself with your values. Think about the relationships that you want to have, and know that you can take this process one step at a time. Nothing has to be rushed. The starting point is simple: shift your focus to the things that you can control.

As simple as this sounds, the mindset shift from blame to responsibility is challenging because you have to work through many deeply rooted fears. You may fear abandonment, or isolation. You may be scared that others will judge you, or that you won’t be thought of as “good enough.” These fears may cause you to freeze, and you may want support to work through the fear.

Focusing on what you can control is empowering because it means taking charge of your life. All anyone can do is control themselves and communicate with others.

At True Peace Counselling, we do more than help you name the fear. Our counsellors know that fear can paralyze you, and so they teach you to move through it. If you want to shift your mindset, but you don’t know where to start, a True Peace Counselling counsellor will guide you to the starting point that feels right for you, and then walk with you through the ups and downs of the change. You won’t be alone in the process; you’ll be supported.

When you hear yourself say “It’s not my fault!” you may now notice how disempowering it feels; as though you are hiding behind your hands instead of facing a tough situation. Try, instead, to say “What can I do about this situation?” This phrase feels different. It feels empowering because it is entirely centered on what you can control. This is the true difference between a blame mindset and a responsibility mindset, and it is a difference worth pursuing.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist. True Peace Counselling counsellors work virtually with adult clients who reside in British Columbia, Canada, and some offer in-person sessions in Victoria’s Westshore.