How to Be Resilient

What do you think of when you hear the term “Resilient” or “Resilience”? Some people think of resilience as the same thing as strength, willpower and determination. “Eye of the Tiger” runs through their mind as they envision a person who grits their teeth and powers through regardless of adversity.

Let me paint you a different picture: a tree bending as stormy winds whip around it. After the storm, the tree stands tall, soaking in the sunshine. Resilience requires strength, yes. It also demands flexibility. The tree cannot control the wind. It bends in acceptance of the power of the wind, while remaining firmly rooted in its place. This is resilience.

“Resilient” isn’t something that you are; it is something you become. In other words, resilience is not just a character trait that some people luck into while others are left wanting. In the same way that the tree grew from a seedling, resilience must be nurtured and grown.

How do I grow resilient?

Flexibility is the key to being resilient. A flexible person can adjust to change, focusing on foundational values and a broader definition of success.

Take, for example, a birth story. Most expectant new parents make a birth plan. They work with their healthcare team to identify what they want during labour and childbirth. Planning ahead is very important and valuable; however, more often than not, other factors pop up, and the birth plan has to be adjusted accordingly.

The expectant parent who fixates on exactly how they want the birth/labour to happen is more likely to consider their birth story adverse, as compared to the expectant parent who has a broader idea of how they want the birth to happen. The first doesn’t make room for outstanding circumstances, while the second identifies what values they would like to see upheld regardless of the specific events.

If you build a life that fosters flexibility, you will also build a life that nurtures resilience. Focus on what is in your control, learn to connect to and listen to your body, and lean on community for support.

What is a resilient mindset?

How you think impacts how you feel, and the choices you make. A resilient mindset is a way of thinking that empowers you, and has you believing that you can handle tough situations.

As a counsellor, I guide clients toward a self-compassionate mindset. Self compassion requires that you acknowledge the things that you cannot control, and refocus on what you can control. A person with a self-compassionate mindset must have a flexible mindset. Naturally, this leads to greater resilience.

Imagine that you are in a room with one door to enter or exit. You want to leave the room, so you walk straight, but instead of going through the door, you walk into the wall. If you continue to try to exit the room by walking into the wall, hitting the wall, kicking the wall, screaming at the wall – nothing will happen. You cannot control the placement of the wall or the door.

You will have much greater success leaving the room if you say to yourself “Oh, this is the wall. It hurt that I ran into it, and it is disappointing that I cannot exit the way I want to exit the room. I will move my body to be in line with the door, and walk through the door.” That is a self-compassionate and flexible mindset.

While this example is ridiculous, it illustrates how disempowering it is to fixate on only one solution or course of action. You feel stuck, angry, and powerless.

How does listening to my body relate to resilience?

In his book “The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself,” Michael Singer provides this illustration of a thorn in your skin: If you have a thorn in your skin, and you’re afraid to remove it because it will cause pain, then you might try to protect the wound by wrapping bandages around it. Unfortunately, the bandages limit your movement, and the presence of the thorn in your skin creates risk for infection. You create greater pain and personal limitations by avoiding the discomfort of removing the thorn.

Tuning into your body provides you will invaluable information about yourself. Are you happy? Sad? Angry? Excited? Depressed? Your body will let you know.

Unfortunately, we have been taught to disconnect from physical symptoms. Tell me if this is true for you: When you feel anger bubble up inside of you, you think “I shouldn’t feel angry.” If not anger, then another feeling. Tension from stress; a sense of heaviness from grief, sadness, or depression; the shakiness that comes with fear as you consider speaking up for yourself, or being otherwise vulnerable.

Listening to your body for physical health is a widely accepted practice. Imagine going for a hike, and feeling fatigue, dry throat, and a high body temperature. Your body is telling you to find a place to rest, eat a snack, and drink some water. Tuning in to your physical cues is much the same for mental health.

Tuning in and listening to your body does not mean being at the mercy of your feelings. Instead, you gain vital knowledge about your mental wellness, and knowledge is power.

Isn’t relying on community the opposite of resilience?

Relying on others absolutely can be the opposite of resilience. Believing that you can handle difficult situations is a key part of being resilient. Having said that, isolating yourself even if you would benefit from support is also the opposite of resilience. To be a resilient person you must recognize the need for help, and accept help when you need it.

A community that helps you foster resilience is one that respects you. I am not talking about the friend who manipulates you into doing what they want, or the parent who completely disregards your boundaries. Surround yourself with people who honestly support you without having a hidden agenda. When you call for help, they will answer, and when they call for help, you can provide support for them as well.

How can I be resilient if I struggle with depression, anxiety, substance use, or something else?

I find that people who struggle with depression, anxiety, substance use, or other barriers are much more resilient than they give themselves credit for. The truth is that it is hard to face a mental health condition, and we live in a culture that has historically stigmatized people who struggle.

Just like flexibility, acceptance is a part of being resilient. Accepting something is not the same as giving in to something. Instead, accepting the truth of your circumstances helps you plan accordingly so that you can be flexible when you need to be.

For instance, someone who struggles with depression might recognize that change triggers depressive episodes for them. Accepting this means that when changes are imminent (for example, summer break is coming up), they reduce their workload as much as possible, and plan extra self-care measures.

Being resilient is about knowing yourself, and accepting that along with your strengths, you also have challenges. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.

Professional support for fostering resilience

Seeking professional support is another part of fostering resilience. Change is never immediate, but it can faster if you know what you are doing.

True Peace Counselling has a team of Registered Clinical counsellors who can help you nurture resilience in your life. We don’t exclusively use traditional talk therapy. Instead, we include somatic practices that help you rewire your nervous system for much deeper healing.

Part of the work we do is helping clients recognize the intergenerational patterns that they are carrying. Each person is influenced by their family of origin – this is natural. We help you identify those patterns and create long lasting change so that you can be self-compassionate, flexible, and accepting. You can be resilient.

Book a free consultation today.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist. True Peace Counselling counsellors work virtually with adult clients who reside in British Columbia, Canada, and some offer in-person sessions in Victoria’s Westshore.