Personal Accountability: Build Healthy Relationships for a Happy Future 

Humans are created to be in connection with others. We thrive in meaningful relationships, and we suffer in isolation. Although these are well-researched truths, there are many people who are suffering in their relationships, and wonder if it would be better to live life alone. Are you one of those people?

If the idea that relationships are doomed to be unhealthy resonates with you, I encourage you to read through the entire Personal Accountability series. You might be surprised to learn that personal accountability improves your relationships. After all, accountability is all about focusing on yourself, so you may be wondering how something self-focused improves relationships.

In truth, personal accountability is a fundamental factor for healthy relationships. Focusing on yourself instead of others compels the dynamic of your relationships to change just like how moving the gear shifter on your bicycle compels the chain to shift gears.

Relationships that are built on personal accountability become safe and secure. Each partner knows what to expect from the other, which creates a deep sense of trust and commitment. Imagine knowing that you will be treated with love and respect in your relationship, without having to worry about manipulation or deceit. That is a relationship worth having, and honing accountability in your life will help you achieve it.

What is the difference between accountability and control?

It can be difficult to distinguish between accountability and control if you have grown up in a family that does not value accountability. Living without accountability elicits much more drama, and so we don’t often see examples of accountable folk in popular media. Can you imagine how boring Friends would be if Rachel and Ross simply talked about their issues?

Accountability is self-focused, but not in a selfish way.

Control is other-focused, and is almost always selfish, even if it seems selfless.

Accountability is taking responsibility for yourself, and recognizing that each person’s opinions, thoughts, and choices belong to the individual (I explain more thoroughly here). It is typically more difficult to choose to be accountable, but the long-term result is less drama, and more trust.

In contrast, being controlling feels safer in the moment, but leads to hurt feelings and broken trust. When someone is controlling, they focus on the outcome that they want to experience, and try to manipulate the situation so that their desired outcome becomes reality. Control gives the illusion of safety, but this illusion is shattered when the person we are trying to control becomes upset.

To distinguish between accountability and control, ask yourself these questions:

• What is my motivation for doing/saying what I am about to do/say? (If the answer is “to avoid upsetting someone else,” or “To get someone to do what I want them to do,” then the behaviour is controlling. If the answer is “Because this behaviour is true to my values, and doing this is the responsible thing to do,” then the behaviour is accountable.)
• Am I trusting the other person to be responsible for their own behaviours?
• Have I clearly communicated my needs and desires in this situation?

How does personal accountability improve relationships

Relationship experts John & Julie Gottman have identified specific behaviours that degrade relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling1. When you shift your focus away from controlling someone else, and take responsibility for your own behaviours, it is much less likely that you will engage in behaviours that degrade your relationship.

Consideration of others

Considering how your actions impact others is a positive force in your relationship. Part of being personally accountable is recognizing your impact on the world around you.

Being considerate of others is not people pleasing. People pleasing is when you deny your own wishes or values to avoid upsetting someone else. Being considerate is to act in a way that respects other people’s worth because you recognize that your perspective is not the only point of view.

I have a saying to sum this up: Be true to yourself, and respectful of others.

Clear Communication

Have you ever wondered if something you did upset your partner, but you know that if you ask, they won’t answer truthfully? It is exhausting to try to guess how someone else is feeling, or what it was that offended them.

People who are accountable communicate clearly. They recognize that other people cannot read their mind, and they respectfully communicate their feelings. Clear communication in any relationship leads to a strong sense of cohesion and relational satisfaction.

Improved Trust

We trust people whose behaviours elicit a sense of safety. You are a safe and trustworthy person if you communicate clearly, considerate other people’s thoughts/feelings, and own up to mistakes without spiraling into shame. In other words, you are a safe and trustworthy person if you are personally accountable.

Being personally accountable in a relationship improves trust. When you make personal accountability a lifestyle, you attract other accountable people, which improves the likelihood of entering into a relationship with someone who won’t engage in controlling behaviours.

Shifting from competition to collaboration

The healthiest relationships are ones where each participant is on the same team. Someone always feels like a loser if the relationship mindset is you versus me.

Prioritizing personal accountability requires that you recognize the importance of valuing your partner’s perspective. You cannot be accountable if you do not do the work to make sure that you are acting fairly. When you are accountable, you maintain a relational mindset based on collaboration, not competition, and your relationship reflects this.

Great emotional availability and connection

According to the Gottmans, sound relationships are built on the pillars of commitment and trust2. You are more likely to be emotionally available to your partner, and to receive emotional support yourself when you trust your partner. That trust is dependent on each partner’s commitment to being responsible for their individual self.

Being personally accountable means that you communicate to your partner “You can trust me. I am committed to you.” That is a powerful message that creates a solid foundation for your relationship.

How do I get a healthy relationship?

It is time to reflect. In this series, I have defined personal accountability (here), and I have shared about how personal accountability can transform not only your relationship with others, but also your relationship with yourself (here). As you consider what it means to take responsibility for yourself, would you say that you can call yourself personally accountable?

Committing to personal accountability is an essential step for building healthy relationships.

Shifting your focus to what you can control makes a big difference when it comes to being responsible for yourself. There will always be things that are outside of our control, but fixating on those things is a mistake. You can control how you communicate with others, your own behaviours, words, and reactions. You cannot control other people’s actions, but you can tell other people how you would like to be treated. What’s more, you can control what you do if people don’t treat you well.

Be careful not to let shame derail you. Remember that part of accountability is owning your inherent worth. You are not worth less for making mistakes. Acting accountably is about improving your connection to yourself and others. Your worth as a human is not in question.

Get help from a Registered Clinical Counsellor

If you have decided that you would like to change, and you don’t know where to start, I recommend booking a session with a True Peace Counselling Registered Clinical Counsellor. The counsellors on the True Peace Counselling team are all trauma-informed, and work with a growth-mindset. We believe in change, and we are here to help you get there!

Our mission is for all people to recognize their inherent worth, and to live life confident in their identity and their relationships. Life is so much more satisfying when we feel good about ourselves, and we have meaningful relationships.

Don’t hesitate. Book a free 15-minute consultation, or check out our Team page to read more about our counsellors.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist. True Peace Counselling counsellors work virtually with adult clients who reside in British Columbia, Canada, and some offer in-person sessions in Victoria’s Westshore.