Personal Accountability: Empower Yourself, Improve Your Life

In my house, I teach my children a simple motto: We are all responsible for taking care of the house. Through this motto, I hope to teach my children personal accountability. I teach them to focus on their own responsibilities, rather than what they think others should be doing. 

Maybe it is because I am a counsellor, but I think of personal accountability as having the utmost importance in our lives. I often say to clients “Focus on being the person that you want to be,” especially if they are struggling with conflict with others. When you have a mindset that is founded on accountability, then you are focusing on being a person who you are proud to be.

Being accountable isn’t always easy. You have to have difficult conversations, and manage your emotional reactions. It requires that you let go of control of others, and focus only on controlling yourself. It often means letting go of unhealthy relationships.

I believe that as humans we all have potential for life-long growth. Focusing on being accountable to yourself is one way to make sure that you are always growing. Despite the challenges, living from a perspective of personal accountability is highly empowering. You are taking control of your own life, and reclaiming autonomy.

What Does It Mean to Be Personally Accountable? 

Before I continue, let’s define some important terms: 

1. Accountability: Taking responsibility for your decisions, actions, and impact.

2. Autonomy: The right to make decisions for yourself.

3. Differentiation: Recognizing yourself as an individual in a world of individuals. You control yourself, not anyone else.   

Being accountable requires that you recognize your own autonomy. You have the right to make decisions for yourself. Other people may try to influence you, but ultimately you get to choose what you do.  In the same way, when other people make choices that you may not agree with, you can respect that it was their choice to make.  

Differentiation is the counsellor way of saying “Focus on yourself.” When you are “differentiated” from the people in your life, you stand out as an autonomous individual, and you recognize that the people in your life are autonomous individuals. You expect others to respect your choices, and you commit to respecting the choices that others make, even if you don’t agree with them.

What Does Personal Accountability Look Like in Day-to-Day Life?

In day-to-day life, living in a way that prioritizes personal accountability means making emotionally responsible choices, and owning up to it when you do something that hurts someone else. To be personally accountable means that you act in such a way that makes you feel proud of yourself. Here are some examples:

• At work, not cutting corners, but doing the job well, even if no one else is watching.
• At home, recognizing that it’s everyone’s job to take care of the house. If there are chores to be done, doing them well because you want to take care of your home and honour your family.
• Speaking up honestly, and communicating your needs. Let’s say your chore is to wash the dishes each night, but one night you feel ill. To be personally accountable, you can say to your family “I am feeling unwell, and would appreciate help with the dishes tonight.” If you are known as an accountable person, then the people in your life are more likely to believe and support you.
• Resisting the urge to “get back at someone.” If your ex- is upset with you, and sends you a nasty text message, being personally accountable means resisting the urge to send them something nasty back. You recognize that your behaviour is a reflection of your choices, not theirs.
• Refusing to gossip about others. Part of respecting another person’s autonomous choices is wholly accepting the choices. When you gossip about someone, you are pushing your agenda/opinions, even if you aren’t speaking directly to the person who you’re talking about.

Why Is It Difficult to be Accountable for Myself?

It may seem abnormal to act in such a way that reflects personal accountability, especially if you grew up in a family where everyone butts into everyone else’s business. As children, we look to our caregivers to learn “what is normal” in life. Whatever your parents did, you will likely do too.

Imagine a boy who grows up with a father who yells explosively whenever he is stressed. This boy becomes a man, and has his own children one day. He may find that as life stressors pile up, he turns to yelling at others to express his stress. Like many of my clients, it is unlikely that this man’s father ever took responsibility for his yelling by apologizing and committing to change. If this man wants to live a life founded on personal accountability, then he would start by acknowledging that yelling at others is disrespectful, and committing to change.

Creating change means facing intergenerational patterns. For some, it feels like betraying their family, and it may even require facing conflict when family members don’t want to recognize the need for change. Additionally, committing to change means admitting that you have been acting irresponsibly. It is hard to overcome the shame that holds you back from admitting fault.

We are all influenced by our early attachment figures (parents, siblings, other family members, teachers, etc.); however, we are not enslaved to these influences. As adults we can consciously choose a different life.

How Will Personal Accountability Improve My Life?

Choosing a different life takes effort. Just like you learned in Physics class, “An object at rest stays at rest, and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force” (Newton’s First Law of Motion). To change your autopilot behaviours, you have to shift into mindful decision making, and act as an “external force” for yourself.

This effort is absolutely worth it. Being personally accountable improves your self-esteem, and deepens your ability to connect with others. What’s more, having accountability for yourself improves your emotion regulation skills, and frees you from unfounded guilt and shame. It improves your trustworthiness and respectability. Being personally accountable makes you a safe person to be around, not just for others, but for yourself too.

Imagine a life where you aren’t fraught with anxiety after minor conflict with someone. What would it be like to apologize with confidence after making a mistake, and not have to deal with a shame-storm afterwards? Alternatively, imagine being able to accept an apology with grace so that your loved ones felt comfortable being vulnerable with you. What if your partner came to you and said “I am so proud of you, and I trust you wholeheartedly”? Those things feel pretty good, and they are all a product of living an accountable life.

Today’s post is just the start of an entire series on accountability. If you would like to learn more about how personal accountability will improve your life, make sure you subscribe so that you don’t miss any of the posts!

Empower Yourself Through Personal Accountability

Living an accountable life is something that we can always improve upon. As humans, it is in our nature to protect ourselves. Sometimes we get defensive, and we say things that we later regret. Prioritizing accountability is a daily practice that becomes easier the longer that you do it.

If you are wondering how accountable you are, consider reflecting on these questions:

• Would my family and friends agree that I am accountable for my actions?
• When I make a mistake or do something hurtful, how do I handle the situation?
• If I made a list of things that are in my control, what would be on that list? Do I focus on those things and let go of things that are not in my control?

Change is entirely possible, and a natural part of building a life that you enjoy living. Nonetheless, sometimes guidance is helpful. If you would like to discuss what accountability means to you, and how to achieve personal accountability in your own life, I encourage you to book a session with one of the counsellors at True Peace Counselling.

Counsellors are specifically trained to help clients create meaningful, and long-lasting change. The counsellors at True Peace Counselling value empowerment, and trauma-informed practice. This means that if your personal history is one that you would label “traumatic,” our counsellors are respectful of that, and trained to work with you.

Don’t hesitate. Book a free consultation today.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist. True Peace Counselling counsellors work virtually with adult clients who reside in British Columbia, Canada, and some offer in-person sessions in Victoria’s Westshore.