Living with personal accountability is summed up in five words: I am responsible for myself. This empowering phrase begs that we stop to reflect. Last week I wrote about what it means to be personally accountable – to live a life that you are proud of by making decisions based on your values, and recognizing that you can only control yourself. This week, let’s dive into how personal accountability and self-esteem are inextricably linked.
Self-esteem is a reflection of how you treat yourself, and how you allow others to treat you. Taking responsibility for yourself by living with personal accountability demands that you treat yourself with respect, and require that others do the same. Someone with healthy self-esteem can hold themselves in warm regard despite mistakes, failures, or wrongdoing. Healthy self-esteem recognizes that messing up does not mean that you are worth less; it just means that you are human, and it is your job to account for your mistakes.
In contrast, shame drags us down, and causes us to disconnect from ourselves and others. Living with personal accountability requires that we release shame, and live a life according to our own values. A natural consequence of this shift is that our self-esteem improves too.
How does shame impact personal accountability?
The greatest barrier to living with personal accountability is shame. Shame tells us that we aren’t good enough, and that if someone found out what we had done, we would be rejected. The idea of being rejected by our loved ones is a scary one, and people react to this fear in different ways:
Self-Blame instead of accountability
One way that people react to shame is to engage in self-blame, even if the wrongdoing was not their own responsibility. A classic sign that someone is self-blaming is that they believe they are responsible for other people’s emotions.
Rachel dislikes family gatherings. Every time she attends a family gathering, her mom makes comments that harshly compare Rachel to her sister, Mandy. Rachel wishes that her mom would stop, but knows that if she speaks up to her mom about this, her mom will get upset. “If I confront my mom, she will cry and say that I think she is a bad mom,” Rachel says, continuing with “and then my family would be upset with me for upsetting mom. Besides, if I was as successful as Mandy, none of this would be an issue.”
In this example, Rachel is blaming herself for her mom’s behaviours. In reality, her mom is overstepping, and treating Rachel poorly. Instead of speaking up for herself, Rachel is avoiding shame by taking responsibility for her mom’s behaviours.
Dismissing responsibility instead of accountability
The other way that someone may react to shame is to avoid it by dismissing responsibility. Instead of assessing the situation to see what is in their control, the person denies, avoids, and dismisses.
Mandy notices that during family gatherings their mother unfairly compares Rachel to Mandy. She knows that this hurts Rachel, and wishes their mother would stop. Instead of admitting this to herself, she tells herself “It isn’t my fault that Mom treats Rachel this way. There is nothing I can do. Besides, Mom wouldn’t listen to me anyway.”
It is true that Mandy is not responsible for her mother’s behaviours, but Mandy is responsible for her own actions. By choosing to remain silent, she is avoiding shame, and allowing an unhealthy dynamic to continue.
Perfectionism or recklessness
When someone lives in fear of shame, they may become either perfectionistic or reckless. Both avenues are an attempt to avoid feeling shame.
Someone who is perfectionistic is terrified of making mistakes because making mistakes causes them to feel shame. One way to avoid feeling shame about mistakes is to never make mistakes. If this is you, then you might avoid trying new skills unless you know that you’ll be good at it, and go out of your way to avoid conflict.
Alternatively, someone who is reckless doesn’t expend effort, and avoids responsibility. Their subconscious goal is to lower other people’s expectations because without expectations, they avoid feeling the shame of letting themselves or someone else down.
Self-blame, avoidance, perfectionism and recklessness are all seemingly effective ways to sidestep shame, but they are not sustainable approaches. Instead, facing our responsibilities with a clear mind by living a values-based life is not only sustainable, but effective.
What does personal accountability without shame look like?
According to psychologist Dr. Chris Germer, “The antidote to shame is self-compassion.”1 To have compassion for yourself is to accept that as a human, you will make mistakes, and that as a human, your worth is not connected to your performance. In other words, messing up does not mean that you are worth less; it just means that you are human!
Living with personal accountability does not include shame. Instead, being personally accountable means that you…
Know your values, and live accordingly.
Knowing your values means that you know how to live a life that you are proud to live. I often share this handout with clients to help them determine what is important to them. When you know your values, you have guiding principles for decision-making.
Living a values-based life also helps you acknowledge when you did something that you are not proud of. We all make choices that we regret, and when this happens, if you are personally accountable, then you are able to admit wrongdoing without sinking into shame. You can say “Yes, I messed up. How can I make things right again?”
Separate your worth from your performance
One of the best lessons you can ever embody is this: My worth is inherent. It is not dependent on my actions, my accomplishments, the opinions of others, or my assets.
If you understand this, then you can separate your worth from your performance. To quote Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Therapy, when you understand your inherent worth, you can “actively [summon] up the energy of kindness, tenderness, compassion and [give] it to yourself – even in the face of imperfect or bad behavior.”2
Accept responsibility without accepting degradation.
Part of mastering personal accountability is being accountable to yourself. As a human with inherent worth, you are not deserving of maltreatment, or disrespect. Just as you are accountable to treat others well, you are responsible for having boundaries with others, and walking away if they choose to treat you poorly.
Accepting responsibility for wrongdoing does not mean accepting degradation. While accountability requires that you accept undesirable consequences, the truth remains that as a human you deserve to be treated respectfully. Imagine if you promised your partner that you would pick up groceries on the way home from work, but then you forgot. Your partner would likely be upset (natural consequence), but it would not be okay for them to call you names, tell you that you are stupid, or otherwise belittle you.
A note on accountability and neurodivergence
Before I conclude, I would like to speak about neurodivergence and personal accountability. I have spoke about taking accountability for your thoughts, reactions, and behaviours. For neurodiverse people, this will look differently than for neurotypical people. We are all responsible for ourselves; however, what we can control is different. For instance, a person with ADHD cannot always control their impulse to speak, which will lead to them interrupting others. In this case, the ADHDer may apologize for interrupting, while recognizing that no matter how hard they work on skills, it is likely that they will always struggle with interrupting others. This isn’t a personal failure; it is a difference in neuro-functioning.
Living with personal accountability means recognizing how your own actions impact those around you, while holding yourself in warm, loving regard. In a world that hosts billions of people, our behaviours are bound to impact others negatively from time to time. The best that we can do is to get to know ourselves, and do our best to be respectful of those around us, while also respecting ourselves.
How does personal accountability boost your self-esteem?
Many of my clients start therapy because they would like to improve their self-esteem. They are tired of beating themselves up, and second-guessing themselves. One of the first things that we working on is personal accountability. Why? Because when you truly live with personal accountability, your self-esteem becomes much healthier.
Being accountable for yourself requires that you shift your focus away from what you cannot control, and recenter your focus on what is in your control: your own choices, actions, and thinking. This is an empowering act. Self-esteem is dependent on how you treat yourself, and by choosing to focus on what you can control, you realize that you can control how you treat yourself. By living with personal accountability, you redefine your self-worth, and take charge of your self-esteem. The power of shame will decrease as your self-image and personal narrative become more compassionate.
Shame and self-doubt are tricky. It is easy for me to write about shifting away from unhealthy thought patterns, but much less easy for a person to do this kind of work on their own. If you have tried to let go of shame and shift into personal accountability, but you feel frustrated and sometimes powerless, seek support. Registered Clinical Counsellors are professionally trained to support people as they heal emotional wounds, and work toward improved self-esteem.
The counsellors at True Peace Counsellor work from a trauma-informed, relational framework. Book a free consultation with one of our counsellors, and ask questions about how they can support you. We would love to hear from you.
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist. True Peace Counselling counsellors work virtually with adult clients who reside in British Columbia, Canada, and some offer in-person sessions in Victoria’s Westshore.
Kala McKenzie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Victoria, British Columbia, and the owner of True Peace Counselling. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, and is a member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors (BCACC). If you are an adult living in BC and interested in counselling with Kala or her team, book a complimentary consultation here.
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