Run Your Own Race: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Embrace Your Worth

March 8th is International Women’s Day. In honour of International Women’s Day, and women around the world, I am dedicating March’s blog posts to posts that empower women as they step into natural leadership positions in their lives.

When I first started my counselling practice, I felt an incredible sense of imposter syndrome. I looked at other practices and worried that mine would never be as successful. Their websites were sleeker, and their photos more professional. How could I ever live up to their success?

Giving my head a shake, I chose to let those self-doubting thoughts go, and increase my self-esteem by choosing to focus on my own journey. Taking a sticky note from my desk, I wrote “Run your own race,” and stuck it to my office wall, where it remains to this day . That was the day that I realised that empowerment starts when you stop measuring your worth against someone else’s journey.

Are you feeling stuck in your race? Does it seem like everyone else is experiencing success, while you are struggling to figure out how to improve self-esteem, increase self-worth and overcome self-doubt? Comparing yourself to others can be discouraging, even paralyzing—but it doesn’t have to be. Today, I’m going to show you how shifting your focus from comparison to self-empowerment can transform your confidence and help you embrace your own unique path.

Is Comparing Yourself to Others Always a Bad Thing?

Comparing yourself to others isn’t inherently bad. Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and author of Consider This: Reflections for Finding Peace, says “Comparing is sometimes a good thing. It can be a natural way of determining who you are and what you want. The dark side of comparison is when you measure yourself against others and become malicious, depressed, anxious, or resentful.”

Looking at someone else’s success can be helpful, but only if you look with a curious, open mindset – grounded in the understanding that self-worth isn’t about being better than others; it’s about knowing your own value. Comparing your situation to another person’s can give you inspiration for your future, so long as you remember that your race is unique to you, and that as an individual you bring your own value to your community.

Market research is a great example of a positive use of comparison. A key step to opening a business is scouring the market for similar businesses to assess strengths and weaknesses. This comparison gives you ideas of how to make your business stand out.

Mentorship is another example where comparison can improve self-esteem, increase self-worth, and help you overcome self-doubt. A mentor allows you to see yourself reflected in their success, offering motivation and guidance by showing that someone you trust has walked a similar path before you.

As you can see, comparison can be empowering, but only when you have a healthy level of self-worth. In contrast, if your self-esteem is dependent on how well you measure up to others, the comparison can quickly deteriorate your mental wellbeing.

When Comparing Yourself to Others Goes Wrong

From a young age, girls are taught to think about others; to be nurturing and caring. In many ways, this strengthens us, as those soft skills are essential for leadership (see last week’s post for more on soft skills in leadership!). When we consider the needs of others, we can step into powerful roles. For example, stepping into a mentorship role can be transformative, not only for your mentee, but also for you as you fulfill a sense of purpose through meaningful connections with others.

Where thinking about others backfires is when women become critical of themselves or others based on the comparison. This type of thinking eats away at your confidence, and fuels self-doubt. You may find yourself asking “Why I am I never good enough?” because the comparison is not grounded in the fact that as a unique human, you bring your own gifts to the world. No two people are exactly alike, and we all run our own race.

I recently read a post by the City of Colwood (a community in Victoria’s Westshore) celebrating the many roles that women occupy within Colwood. One of the women highlighted was Jess Thomsen, a firefighter for the Colwood Fire Department. She is quoted as saying “I navigate male-dominated fields by reminding myself: ‘the only limits in your life are the ones you set for yourself.‘“

What if Jess had looked at the male-dominated firefighting industry and thought “I’m not like them. I cannot do this.” What if she had thought “If I pursue firefighting, people will think that I am weird, and they won’t like me anymore.”

These thoughts could have stopped Jess in her tracks, keeping her from pursuing her dream. Negative comparison would have created a self-imposed limit—blocking opportunities before she even tried.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

If only creating change was as easy as reading a blog post and thinking “I’m going to change.” That is certainly a good first step, but there needs to be an action element involved if you would like change to take root. Here are some action items that may help create change:

Recognize the underlying belief. If you find that you are comparing yourself to others and struggling to overcome self-doubt, then you may be holding an underlying belief that is directing your thoughts towards the “Not good enough” category.

Here are some beliefs that may cause you to doubt yourself:

• My worth is dependent on my accomplishments, assets, or what other people think of me
• I’m not good enough
• Good things don’t happen to me
• I’m a failure
• If people knew the real me, they would hate me
• I am a screw up

Sometimes all it takes to replace a faulty belief is to recognize its existence; however, other times beliefs are more sticky and difficult to get rid of. If you find that a belief is particularly persistent, talk to a counsellor. Counsellors are professionally trained to help people identify and replace limiting beliefs. True Peace Counselling has counsellors who would love to work with you on replacing sticky beliefs.

*True Peace Counselling provides online counselling for adults living in British Columbia.

Develop awareness of the habit. It is hard to change something when you don’t realise that you are doing it. Think about the behaviour that you would like to accomplish (i.e. being able to celebrate other people’s success without feeling self-doubt), and notice when you do the opposite. When you do notice that you are putting yourself down by comparing yourself to others, say to yourself “There I go comparing myself again. It is good that I am becoming more aware of the habit!”

Choose to stop. Then choose to stop again. Once you have become aware of the habit, make a conscious choice to stop. Habits are behaviours that we do without conscious awareness – like we are on autopilot. Take yourself off autopilot by developing awareness of the habit, and choosing to act (or think) differently.

Try not to judge or criticize yourself if you struggle to change. It takes time to undo old habits, especially if the habit is rooted in a deep-seated belief. Believe it or not, removing judgment and criticism from your mindset actually helps you accomplish change (Check out my post about using self-compassion while goal setting to learn more.)

List your strengths and accomplishments. As cheesy as it may sound, making a list of your strengths and accomplishments is a good exercise to start changing the way that you think about yourself. Making this list shifts your focus away from things that you don’t like about yourself.

When you make this list, notice what kinds of caveats you think up to “explain” your strengths. For example, you might list “I’m a good listener” and then think “But not as good as my friends are.” Try to let the caveats pass you by without attaching to them. If you think “But not as good as my friends are,” simply say to yourself “I am letting that thought go.”

Talk to someone for support. Creating change takes a lot of effort, and mental change seems to be extra tricky. Talking to a professional makes a world of a difference. Just like you see a physiotherapist about a physical limitation, you can see a counsellor about a mental block. Some beliefs are incredibly persistent. Like a deeply rooted weed in the garden, they keep coming back no matter how hard you try to get them out. A counsellor helps address the root of the issue, which helps you shift away from unhelpful beliefs for good.

As I mentioned earlier, True Peace Counselling has counsellors who would love to work with you on replacing persistent beliefs. They are nonjudgmental, caring people who are passionate about empowering their clients. Book a free consultation, and you’ll see what I mean.

*True Peace Counselling provides online counselling for adults living in British Columbia.

Conclusion

Balance is key to mental wellness. It is natural for you to compare yourself to others, because comparison is part of assessing our place in community. Comparison should be an act of empowerment, where you notice areas with room for improvement, while recognizing your strengths and the uniqueness of your own journey. Your value is not dependent on how you measure up to others.

When comparing yourself to others hurts, you know that you have lost balance. You deserve to live a life with a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-worth. When you look at others and think “I’ll never be as good as they are,” your thoughts eat away at your self-esteem and self-worth.

The first step in change is awareness, so if you are noticing thoughts like “I’ll never be as good as…,” take it as an opportunity to heal. Recognizing the negative thoughts that keep you trapped in a loop of harmful comparisons allows you to turn your autopilot off, and take deliberate action. Healing is a process, and it won’t happen over night, but every step that you take toward change represents growth.

Pursuing change and growth can be an exhausting journey. If you’re feeling helpless, know that you don’t have to do this alone. The counsellors at True Peace Counselling are available to you for help. We provide quality counselling services to adults residing in British Columbia. We would love to welcome you, and to come alongside you as you run your own race. Book a free consultation today.

If you’ve enjoyed this post, please share with your friends and family. Speaking of sharing, here are some other posts that I would love to share with you:

• The Power of Assertive Communication: Strengthening Relationships with Clear and Confident Conversations
• The Power of Fierce Self-Compassion: Embracing Difficult Choices for a Better Future
• Practical Steps to Increase Self-Compassion
• Why Do Dads Beat Themselves Up? Understanding Self-Criticism

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist.