Leading with Confidence: Overcoming Self-Doubt and the Fear of Being “Too Much”

March 8th is International Women’s Day. In honour of International Women’s Day, and women around the world, I am dedicating March’s blog posts to posts that empower women as they step into natural leadership positions in their lives.

When I was a teenager, my PE teacher would split our co-ed class into two groups: Girls over here, boys and Kala over there. I loved sports, and I refused to “play pretty,” so my teacher grouped me with the boys where I wouldn’t be “too much.” Throughout my adolescent years, I was told I “wasn’t a real girl” because I spoke too much, played sports too well, and in general didn’t fit in with my female peers.

In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennet is criticized for being outspoken, and voicing her opinion “so decidedly.” She is called “headstrong” and “obstinate.” These “flaws” turn out to be qualities that her eventual husband falls in love with. Elizabeth marries the man she loves, and becomes mistress of a sizeable estate. Furthermore, through her leadership, her younger sisters learn to identify their own qualities, and become honorable young women in their communities.

In the hit series Gilmore Girls, Lorelai Gilmore cuts contact with her parents for years because she cannot fit the mold that they want her to fit – softspoken, obedient, and demure. Lorelai’s tenacity, intelligence, and quick wit help her to follow her dream of becoming an entrepreneur, all the while raising a spirited and intelligent daughter. Lorelai refused to fit the mold being forced upon her, and instead became a wonderful leader in her community.

More recently, Apple TV’s Ted Lasso tells the story of fictional character, Rebecca Welton, who finds herself in a position of leadership when, through a messy divorce, she wins ownership of a premier soccer club in London. Throughout the series’ three seasons, we see Rebecca being told time and again that the reason for her divorce is that she was “too much.” Rebecca is a fierce leader, and uses her qualities to create a strong sense of community in the football club. She leads a workplace where all employees matter, diversity is valued, and the younger generation is mentored toward leadership.

Our history and our media is full of examples of women standing against the irrational belief that all women must look, speak, think, and behave according to an ever-changing standard set by the powers that be. If women do not match the narrow perception of what a woman should be, then they are told they are “too much”; too loud, too quiet, too active; too sedentary; too involved; too indifferent. You name it, it is “too much.”

All women are leaders, whether they recognise it or not. A leader doesn’t have to be the CEO like Heather Reisman, a celebrity like Oprah, or the Prime Minister of a country like Mette Frederiksen. Rather, a leader is anyone who sets an example for another who is watching in their footsteps. Moms set examples for their children, teachers set examples for their students, and managers set examples for employees. There will always be someone looking up to us, and so we must ask ourselves – what example am I setting?

Rather than accepting the flawed and ever-changing standard that popular media and patriarchal culture tries to whisper in our ears, we must embrace our natural strengths by developing a strong voice and a solid understanding of our own human worth. Woman are not “too much.” Women are strong and influential.

The question then becomes, why do so few women believe this? And how do we overcome the message that any woman who doesn’t fit the mold is “too much?”

Why Is It Important For Women to Own Their Strengths

Mental wellness is strongly connected to our sense of identity. When you know who you are, you can make decisions that align with your behaviours. When you are not secure in your personal identity, you will feel disconnected from yourself, which may lead to things like anxiety, depression, burn out, and chronic stress.

Mental wellness is also connected to our sense of meaning. When you feel connected to a sense of meaning, your mental wellness thrives; however, when you don’t know what your strengths are, then it is much more difficult to recognise purpose or meaningful encounters.

More often than not, the messaging that you are “too much” starts early, and becomes deeply engraved in your personal identity by the time you are a teenager. Learning to own your strengths will illuminate areas of your life that would benefit from healing. You may be carrying beliefs about yourself that are holding you back, and addressing these beliefs will free you to thrive.

Steps to Overcoming the Fear of Being “Too Much”

Step 1: Redefine what it means to be a woman

What does it mean to be a woman? Maybe this seems like a high school essay question; nonetheless, it inspires a number of important questions:

Does a woman’s tendency toward soft skills create a barrier? Women have long been recognized for excelling in soft skills, or skills that help with relational connection. Unfortunately, soft skills have traditionally been considered less important that hard skills (math, programming, engineering, etc.), implying that women, like soft skills, are less important.

Redefining womanhood includes recognizing that soft skills are leadership skills. Skills such as empathy, intuiting needs, time management, clear communication, and active listening are an essential part of connecting with others, and running a team. Owning this helps you see yourself as a leader, and may motivate you to say “Yes” to future opportunities.

I’ll add that just because women have traditionally been seen as tending toward soft skills doesn’t mean that all women will excel at soft skills, nor does it mean that you won’t tend toward hard skills like mathematics, engineering, data analysis, mechanics, and software development. Women have traditionally been socialized toward developing soft skills from a very young age, while boys are pushed toward hard skills. Let’s change that script!

What is a woman’s role in the family? When I became a mother, my social media algorithm exploded with reels and memes that reminded me that as a mother, I am all-knowing, while my male partner is incompetent. I remember seeing a baby outfit with arrows labelling the head hole, arm holes, and leg holes. The words on the outfit read “You’ve got this, Dad!” – implying that a dad can’t even dress a baby on his own.

Whether it is a joke or not, the messaging is clear – Moms are essential in running the family and the home, while dads are lost without mom. Is it really the woman’s role to be the only competent parent in the family? And if a woman expresses that her male partner should be an equal in running the household and caring for the children, is she being “too demanding?”

When you question your role as the woman in the family, you also bring into question the role of your partner. While this may make some women concerned about upsetting their partners, it may actually be a relief to the system. Many men are excited to be active and engaged fathers, so redefining the woman’s role in the house to be something like “An active partner in running the home” can bring deeper connection to your relationship.

How does sexuality connect to womanhood? Many girls have grown up with the messaging that a woman is someone who must be careful not to be sexualized. Girls learn that everything from the way they dress to the way they walk can be sexualized, and being sexualized comes with severe judgment.

Young women have often been taught to be ashamed of their sexuality rather than to embrace it as a natural part of their human experience. If a young woman chooses to explore sexuality through different partners and by dating, she may be called a slut. If she chooses to abstain from sex until she is in a committed, long-term relationship, she is called a prude.

Upon becoming sexually active, many women struggle with sexual manipulation, where a partner will be upset if a woman chooses to refrain from sexual engagement; or, where she is shamed if she has had “too many” sexual partners in the past (despite what his number is, I might add).

Reconsidering this message means owning your own sexuality, and living within boundaries that are comfortable for you. You recognise that as a human, you have sexual urges, and that it is your choice what you do with them. Consent is essential and mandatory for all parties involved, and sexual manipulation is a sign of immaturity in a partner, rather than something to try to solve by allowing boundary crossings.

What else would you redefine? How else you would redefine womanhood? However you choose to examine your identity as a woman, I would encourage you to recognise that you possess amazing qualities and strengths. The goal of this exercise is not to change who you are; rather, the aim is to help you see that your personal attributes are to be celebrated rather than silenced.

Step 2: Notice when you limit yourself, and choose to change

Now that you have analysed your definition of womanhood, and reconsidered what it means to be “too much,” it is time to add action. Whenever you are considering making a personal change, the first step is awareness of the thing that you would like to change. This means becoming aware of the instances where you change yourself to please others because you fear being considered “too much.” Notice what happens in your thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and physical responses.

Thoughts. What are you thinking when you hold yourself back? You might notice the thought “I can’t do that,” or something like “What if I’m annoying them?” When you practice noticing these thoughts, you can also practice letting them go. Say something to yourself like this: “That’s just a thought. Just because I think something, doesn’t mean that it is true. There is nothing wrong with me being myself.”

Emotions. Naming emotions helps you process them. We often try to ignore emotions that we don’t want to experience, which ends up making the emotional experience more powerful. By naming the emotion that you feel when you worry that you are being “too much,” you empower yourself to process the emotion, and to consider whether it is an emotion that fits your experience.

Behaviours. It is remarkable how often we run on autopilot. By noticing your behaviour, you are empowering yourself to choose how you act rather than acting without thinking. Even small behaviours can be quite powerful. For instance, choosing to look your colleagues in the eye rather than looking at the ground communicates a sense of confidence.

Physical Responses. You cannot always control your immediate physical response to a situation, but you can develop awareness so that you can work on creating slow change for the future.

For example, if you know that when you speak up for yourself, you feel the physical urge to run, along with butterflies in your stomach, then you can name those physical responses as “normal for now.” It is normal (for now) to feel nervous about changing your behavioural patterns. With time and repetition, new behaviours become habit, and your body’s physical response to the situation changes too.

Step 3: List Your Strengths

An unfortunate truth is that when girls and women are told they are “too much,” they are being told to silence their strengths. Consider the things that you are passionate about, as well as your dreams and ambitions in life. How do these things speak to your personal strengths? And how can you let these strengths be a greater part of your life?

I never thought I would be a business owner. I had originally planned to be a teacher, and I remember my 20 year old self telling one of my friend’s dad that a benefit of being a teacher is that I can work anywhere. I said, and I quote: “that way I can get a job wherever my future husband gets a job.” My friend’s dad said to me “Or he can follow your career.”

The idea of having my partner follow my lead was never something I had considered. As I matured, I came to realize that my passions involve leadership, connection, and mental health. I took those passions, pursued higher education, and opened True Peace Counselling. I learned that recognising my strengths did not make me “full of myself” or “cocky”; rather, it empowered me to build something that can make a positive difference in my community.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg – An Excellent Role Model

When I think of historical women who have overcome the fear of being “too much,” I immediately think of Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG), who relentlessly pursued her dreams despite being discriminated against for her gender and ethnicity.

RBG was the second woman to serve as a Justice in the Supreme Court in the United States. When she was studying at Harvard Law in 1956, she was 1 of 9 women in a class with about 500 men. Famously, the dean of Harvard Law asked her and the other women in the program why they were taking the place of a man.

RGB famously said “When I’m sometimes asked when will there be enough women on the supreme court? And I say ‘When there are nine.’ People are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that.” This bold statement may be seen as “too much” by some, but RGB raised an excellent point – few people blinked an eye when the Supreme Court was made up entirely of men, so why should they be bothered if it was made up entirely of women?

Conclusion

“I am too much” is a topic that comes up in my counselling sessions frequently. Clients tell me that they grew up being told that they were too sensitive, too active, too loud, too talkative, you name it.

Growing up with the message that you are “too much” is damaging. It motivates you to hide parts of yourself, and encourages self-hatred rather than self-compassion. No human is perfect; we all have our flaws, but that doesn’t mean that we are “too much.” It just means that we are human.

A great way to replace the belief that you are “too much” is to celebrate and refine your strengths. Identify your passions, dream up aspirations, and consider how your unique personality contributes to your family and your community. This might require that you redefine how you define womanhood, and that you increase your awareness of your current thoughts, emotions, behaviours and physical responses. Change is entirely possible, and even worthwhile.

If you are interested in creating personal change in your life, but you don’t know where to start, book a free consultation with a counsellor at True Peace Counselling. The counsellors at True Peace Counselling value excellence, empowerment, and growth. We are all trauma-informed, and passionate about helping clients heal from unhelpful beliefs and old wounds.

If you’ve read this today and felt inspired, please share it with a friend. The blog is updated weekly with new content, and the theme for March 2025 is Empowering Women.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist.