How to Accept an Apology: A Step-by-Step Guide to Healing and Moving Forward

Have you ever thought of accepting an apology as a skill? Imagine that your partner does something that hurts you, or makes you mad. Maybe they promise to be home in time for dinner with your parents, and then they end up working late. Or perhaps they forgot your birthday, even though for their birthday you planned a big party and bought them a thoughtful gift. Ouch.

If you struggle with holding grudges, this post is for you. Last week I wrote about how to give a heartfelt apology, which is an essential skill for being in a relationship. The complementary skill to apologizing well is being able to accept an apology well. These two skills smooth the path to relationship repair, and healing after hurt.

Step One – Answering the Question “Should I Accept This Apology?”

The first step to accepting an apology is to discern whether you should accept the apology. Not every apology is worthy of acceptance, and you are not required to accept an apology. Acceptance is a choice.

To discern whether to accept an apology, consider these points:

• Was the apology heartfelt? Did the apologizer take accountability for their actions, recognize how they hurt you, and provide a heartfelt “I’m sorry”? If the answer is no, then so is the answer to the question of whether or not to accept.
• Are you ready to forgive? Depending on the intensity of the offence, you may not be ready to forgive. While hearing a heartfelt apology can help start the healing process, if you are still hurting to the point of not being able to consider moving forward, then you may not be ready to forgive.
• Is this a repeated offense? Has your partner hurt you in this way before, and if so, what steps have they taken toward change? If this is a repeated offense, then you may have already discussed steps toward change, and your partner may be working on these steps. Do you think this was a slip, or does this offense indicate that they aren’t genuinely trying to change?
• How serious was the offense? There is a big difference between your partner being late for dinner with your parents, and your partner having an affair. Determining how serious the offense was allows you to consider if you would like to risk being hurt in this way again.
• Do you want to accept the apology? Accepting an apology is a choice, so if you ultimately do not want to accept the apology, then there is nothing stopping you from choosing that route. In reality, it is rarely so clear-cut. More often than not, part of you wants to forgive your partner, while another part of you wants to hold a grudge. If you’re having a tough time discerning what you truly want, speaking to a therapist can help.

Step Two: Working Through Your Emotions

If you have decided that you would like to accept your partner’s apology, there are further steps involved to help with relationship repair and forgiveness. Your partner’s apology does not automatically undo the hurt they have caused, nor does it erase the emotions that you feel.

The purpose of the apology is for your partner to acknowledge that they have hurt you, and to take accountability for their actions. Acknowledgement and accountability help start the process of rebuilding trust. Your partner’s task is to make efforts to ensure that the infraction doesn’t happen again, while your task is to commit to work on letting go of the difficult emotions you feel about the event.

I have been careful with my wording here: accepting an apology means that you are committing to working on letting go of hard feelings. It does not mean that you immediately feel healed from the harm that the indiscretion has caused, nor that you immediately trust your partner again. Forgiveness and relationship repair can take time.

Here are some methods for working through emotions:

• Acknowledge the feeling by saying to yourself “I am feeling ________.” Using a feelings wheel can be helpful. Remind yourself that it makes sense that you’re feeling this way. Emotions are easier to process when we recognize their purpose.
• Journal. I often use this journal prompt to help get things going: “I am thinking ________________.” and “I am feeling ______________.” Once you have filled in the blanks, keep writing whatever comes to mind. It doesn’t have to make sense, follow proper grammar rules, or even be kind. No one else needs to read your journal entry. This is an exercise for your to give voice to the hurt parts so that you can move forward.
• Spend time outside. Go for a walk, bike ride, or a run. Going outside helps clear your mind, and many studies have connected regular time outdoors to improved mental health. Further, body movement helps process emotions because emotions communicate with us through our bodies (i.e. Our bodies cry when we are sad, our bodies smile when we are happy, etc.)
• Give yourself time. Remember that healing takes effort and time. If you have been working on processing the emotions, and it feels like nothing has changed, check in with yourself again tomorrow, next week, or even in two weeks.
• Talk to a counsellor. Talking to a counsellor can help you reframe your thoughts, and understand why certain emotions are more difficult to process. A counsellor is different from a friend or family member because they are unbiased and don’t have a personal agenda.

Emotions are messengers that tell you how you are relating to the world around you. When you listen to and process your emotions, they have the opportunity to inform you about what went well, and what didn’t go well. The information that you learn from your emotions informs the next step in the repair process – communicating needs and addressing the larger issue(s).

Step Three: Communicating Needs and Addressing Issues

Repairing a relationship means repairing trust, which requires vulnerability and intention. It also requires communicating with your partner to identify needs and address the greater issues at play.

If you tend toward a passive communication style, it might seem easier to avoid apologies altogether and pretend that the offense didn’t happen. While passive communication creates the image of peace in a relationship, this image is like a mirage – it isn’t real. The only way to create true peace in the relationship is to address the issue.

What kind of issues am I talking about? Take, for example, a person who forgets their partner’s birthday. It may be that the partner who forgot is struggling with depression, and the depression is causing issues in the relationship. That partner needs support.

Alternatively, it may be that the partner who forgot has boundary issues, and is taking on too many tasks at work, which has caused them to drop commitments in their personal life. If issues like these are not addressed, they will continue to cause problems in the relationship.

For this step in the relationship repair process, I recommend setting aside time for an uninterrupted conversation. Trying to have this conversation while also fielding questions from your 4 year old about why some cheese is orange while other cheese is white will only lead to more chaos.

Once you have set aside time, consider using these relationship repair questions:

• What were the contributing factors to the hurtful event?
• What would you have done differently if you could go back in time?
• Do you think there are deeper issues at play, and what do you think they are?
• How do we stop this from repeating in the future?

Accepting Apologies Doesn’t Always Mean Staying Together

Accepting an apology means that you have agreed to work on letting go of hard feelings against the person who hurt you. If the apology is heartfelt, and you no longer wish to carry anger or hurt, then accepting the apology is a good choice. Many times, the relationship can be repaired, and even grow stronger from the experience.

Unfortunately, sometimes the deeper issues are too deep, and for your own health and wellness, you choose to end the relationship. As heartbreaking as this is, it can be the reality. You can accept an apology and forgive while also choosing to move on from the relationship.

An example of this may be a relationship where one partner continues to lose their temper and belittle the other. The partner may feel awful about their behaviour, and apologize with deep feeling. They may truly mean their apology, but for whatever reason, they are unable to take the steps to change their behaviour.

The other partner is regularly subject to the loss of the other partner’s temper, and eventually has had enough. They no longer trust their partner, and although they love the person, and may even accept their apology, they recognize that they can no longer stay in the relationship. In this case, leaving is the best option, and their choice to leave does not mean that they are also choosing unforgiveness.

Conclusion

Accepting an apology is more work than it seems. It may seem that the greater skill is knowing how to apologize, but the two skills actually go hand in hand. They are equally important when it comes to repairing a fracture in a relationship, thereby building a functioning and healthy relationship.

The skill here is not equivalent of forgetting what has happened. The event that caused hurt cannot be erased; however, choosing to accept your partner’s apology means that you are choosing to work on letting go of the hurt, and to make amends.

It takes self-awareness to be the type of person who can accept an apology and work together with their partner to rebuild the relationship. First, you must discern whether you will accept the apology, request more time for healing, or reject the apology altogether. Second, you must be self-aware enough to process your feelings, as this empowers you to discern your needs as you heal from the hurt. Finally, you will exercise self-awareness as you and your partner communicate to identify and address the deeper issues at play.

Most importantly, accepting an apology is a choice. If at any point you feel that it is no longer a choice – that your safety will be at risk if you do no accept your partner’s apology – please seek help. Victim Link BC has a free help line that you can call for assistance in leaving an unsafe relationship.

Relationships can be tricky. Afterall, relationships are made when humans interact, and all humans make mistakes. We are bound to hurt each other at some point because not one of us is perfect. If you are in need of support as you process emotions around a fracture in your relationship, or as you seek to improve your relationship skills, please reach out for support. Counsellors at True Peace Counselling are qualified professionals who are committed to providing excellent counselling services to their clients.

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, please share it with a friend who may also enjoy the content. Strengthening relationships creates healthier, happier communities, so please spread the word that there are skills that you can hone to strengthen your relationships.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist.