Apologizing with Confidence: Strengthening Relationships and Self-Worth Through Accountability

Yesterday, I made a mistake. I mismanaged my time, and as a result, my partner had to miss his lunch break to take care of our toddler. He wasn’t pleased, and rightfully so. I had promised to be home by a certain time but arrived 30 minutes late, adding stress to his day.

In last week’s post, I shared about what a huge difference clear communication can make in a relationship, and I stand by this assertation. Clear communication helps couples avoid a lot of stress and drama; however, we are all human, and no matter how clearly you communicate, you will make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes will impact your partners, and when they do, your relationship may benefit from an apology. What’s more, becoming confident in taking accountability for your actions also boosts your sense of self-worth and your self-esteem.

A proper apology requires self-reflection, empathy, and humility. It is not a compulsive act borne out of shame, nor is it a resentful act meant only to end uncomfortable conflict between you and your partner. A meaningful apology is a mindful choice in response to a healthy sense of guilt. .

Learning to Apologize Well Improves Your Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Simply put, self-esteem is how you regard yourself. Unhealthy self-esteem can either be too low, which is when you regard yourself as worth less than others; or, it can be too high, which is when you regard yourself as worth more than others.

If your self-esteem is low, then you likely apologize too often, and for things that weren’t your responsibility. Even after you apologize, you likely feel the urge to repeat the gesture because you don’t feel worthy of forgiveness.

If, on the other hand, your self-esteem is inflated, then you probably struggle to recognize how your actions have impacted others, which makes it difficult to communicate a sincere apology. Some part of you may be wondering why it is so difficult to emotionally connect with others, but you probably assume that it is their fault, not yours.

When you have healthy self-esteem you regard yourself as having equal worth to all others. You aren’t worth more or less than anyone else, therefore you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, nor do you deserve to be worshiped. If you have healthy self-esteem, then you recognize that as a human you make mistakes, but those mistakes do no diminish your inherent human worth. When your mistakes impact others, you take accountability for your actions. Once your apology is complete, you don’t swim in shame caused by your mistake. Instead, you learn from the experience and make different choices in the future. You move forward.

Learning to apologize well improves your self-esteem because the steps to apologizing well include reflection, empathy, and humility, three factors that are also essential to building healthy self-esteem. Furthermore, a quality apology is an apology free from shame, and rooted in a sense of confidence. When you have a healthy relationship with shame, then you regard yourself as no-better and no worse than anyone else, which is the key to healthy self-esteem.

Why is Apologizing So Difficult?

Apologizing is admitting our humanity. Apologizing means admitting our humanity. We all make mistakes, but acknowledging them is hard. It is so difficult to humble yourself and say “I messed up.” You might worry about being judged, or that someone will be mad at you. It may seem easier to pretend that you don’t make mistakes, but in reality, when you deny yourself the right to make mistakes, you also deny yourself a sense of connection to others.

Apologizing requires vulnerability. If admitting your humanity is an act of self-reflection, being vulnerable is an act of allowing others to reflect on your humanity. When you make yourself vulnerable, you open yourself to judgment, and you risk being hurt by other people.

It is scary to be vulnerable, and so you might decide to put up walls instead. While putting up walls means that you apologize less often, it also means that you are lonely because relationships require vulnerability. (Psst – If you’re worried about vulnerability, check out this post about separating vulnerability and weakness.)

Apologizing means recognizing another person’s pain. Almost as difficult as sitting with your own discomfort or suffering, recognizing another person’s pain can be incredibly uncomfortable, especially when you are the person who caused that pain. It is not easy to say to another person “I recognize that I caused you pain,” but doing so is a sign of great emotional maturity.

Apologizing might make you think “I’m bad.” How often were you shamed as a child when you did something that hurt another person? Instead of talking to you about why you did what you did, your parents punished you without explanation. Shaming a child is not a helpful approach, and if you experienced shaming, then you may still be holding that shame.

When you hold shame, you don’t just feel bad about your mistakes, you believe you are a bad person because of your mistakes. You might think to yourself “If anyone ever finds our how bad I really am, then no one will ever love me again.” That’s a scary thought, and it makes sense that if this is what you believe, you would have a hard time taking the necessary steps to achieve a healthy, quality apology.

Steps to a Sincere Apology

How many times have you had conflict with your partner, and afterward you receive this apology: “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you were taking too long to get ready and I didn’t want to be late.” Maybe you have found yourself scratching your head as to why this apology feels so empty. You want to move on from the conflict, and you heard the words “I’m sorry,” so the apology must be genuine, right?

Whether it was your partner doing the apologizing, or you were the person who yelled at your partner in the above example, the problem with this “apology” is that there is no accountability. In essence, this apology is “I would be sorry, except this is actually your fault.” It lacks self-reflection, empathy, and humility.

Here are the components of a heartfelt, meaningful apology, followed by an example:

Clarity. A great way to start an apology is by stating “I want to apologize,” or “I owe you an apology.” This clear statement lets the other person know your intentions, and hopefully they are willing to listen.

Accountability. A quality apology requires accountability, meaning that you acknowledge what you did and why your actions were disrespectful or wrong.

Empathy. Including empathy in an apology is essential because part of taking accountability for yourself is recognizing that other people’s feelings or experiences are important as well. To have empathy is to imagine how the other person may have felt as if you yourself were feeling that way. It is uncomfortable, but it opens doors to deeper relational connection.

Sincerity. A meaningful apology must be sincere. It shouldn’t be rushed, or dismissed. Even if the other party had their own wrongdoings involved in the experience, a meaningful apology does not get distracted by those wrongdoings, thereby shifting blame back onto the other person; nor does it demand a return apology. A sincere apology includes the desire to not have this event happen again, which may required committing to changing behaviour patterns.

Example of a Sincere Apology

I started this post by sharing about my own mistake, which left my partner feeling stressed. I was out for tea with a friend, and my partner was at home with our toddler. I had committed to being home in time for my partner to be able to have a break and eat lunch before starting work. Instead, I allowed my conversation with my friend to go longer than I had planned, and then was rushed leaving the coffee shop. I ended up getting home with just enough time for my partner to hand our toddler to me before rushing to work. He didn’t get to have a break or eat a proper lunch.

If I hadn’t worked on learning to apologize well, I might have said something like this: “I’m sorry I was late, but I don’t get to go out with my friends very often so I didn’t want it to end! And you still got to eat, you just had to watch a toddler while doing it. It’s not that bad, is it?” This apology does not take accountability for my actions, not does it show empathy for my partner’s feelings. Additionally, the apology presumes to tell my partner why he is wrong for feeling stressed (“You still got to eat, you’re fine.”)

Instead of that apology, when he returned from work, I apologized in this way: “I want to apologize for earlier. I mismanaged my time, which meant that you didn’t get to have a break and eat lunch before work. It was inconsiderate of me, and it left you feeling hungry and stressed. I am sorry. Next time I will set an alarm so that I am not late.”

Conclusion

Apologizing is hard. It isn’t easy to accept responsibility for our personal shortcomings. As I conclude today’s post, I really want to highlight the importance of developing a strong sense of self-worth because if you do, then your self-esteem and self-confidence get a boost as well. If your self-esteem is healthy, then you don’t feel so threatened by the act of apologizing. You recognize that just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean that your worth diminishes.

A sincere apology shows self-reflection, empathy, and humility. It is a mindful act, recognizing that you have hurt someone that you care about. An apology does not communicate “I am worth less than you”; rather, it says “You and I have equal worth, and how I treated you was wrong.”

Apologies aren’t a guarantee of receiving forgiveness. Even if you apologize, the other person may choose to not forgive you. That’s their choice. An apology is just as much for you as it is for them. Taking accountability for your actions shows emotional maturity, and improves self-esteem and self-confidence. Apologizing may be uncomfortable in the moment, but in the long-term, being a person who is accountable feels good because you are living a life that is aligned with your personal value system.

If you struggle with apologizing, ask yourself – how is my sense of self-worth? Do I think I am worth less than others? Do I think that I am worth more than others? If you would like support in your journey to a stronger sense of self-worth, healthier self-esteem, and greater self-confidence, then I encourage you to book a free consultation with one of the counsellors at True Peace Counselling. Counsellors are trained professionals who are skilled in recognizing unhealthy thinking patterns and helping clients feel empowered to change.

If you enjoyed this post, please share it with a friend. The more people who find healing and enjoy healthier connection with their loved ones, the healthier our world is.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or your own therapist.