It is February, which is a month known for celebrating love, as February 14th is Valentine’s Day. When I think about love, I think about relationships, and because I am a Registered Clinical Counsellor, I also think about relationship skills that help people have long-lasting and satisfying relationships. I know, I’m a real joy to have at a party. I don’t think counsellors know how to small talk, we all just jump into serious topics right away.
One of the most important relationship skills is clear communication (also known as assertive communication). Learning to communicate clearly using assertive communication skills can create significant changes in your relationship, as it reduces tension and arguments caused by misunderstandings. Nonetheless, many people struggle with this skill, and it causes their relationships to suffer.
What Are the Different Communication Styles?
If communication isn’t assertive, then what is it? Communication can have three styles: passive, aggressive, or assertive, with assertive communication being the healthiest.
Passive Communication. Someone who communicates passively will avoid conflict, and hint at what they want without coming right out and saying it. They will get upset that people didn’t act as they wish, or that others disregard their boundaries. Having said this, a passive communicator doesn’t communicate boundaries clearly, so others have to guess what the passive person actually wants. Passive communication leads to frustration within relationships because one person is trying to guess what the other person wants, and the other person is disappointed when their partner doesn’t guess correctly.
Aggressive Communication. As you would expect, an aggressive communicator is the opposite of a passive communicator. An aggressive communicator speaks forcefully, and lack tact. They don’t stop to consider the needs or desires of others, and come across as though they are barking orders. If someone speaks up or defies them, they become angry and may yell. Aggressive communication leads to yelling and fighting in relationships. Being aggressive against your partner undermines your partner’s sense of trust or safety, which is essential in a long-lasting romantic relationship.
Assertive Communication. Assertive communication is clear communication. When you communicate assertively, you state your expectations, needs, or desires without hinting (passive) or bullying (aggressive). You focus on yourself and your behaviours, rather than trying to get others to do what you want through manipulation (passive) or aggression. You are respectful of the wishes and needs of others, while also standing up for your own wishes and needs. You are willing to compromise, but not to sacrifice yourself.
Why Assertive Communication is Difficult?
If assertive communication is such an advantageous skill, why do so many people struggle with it? There are many reason why this skill is tricky to hone, most of which stem from the influences around you. Your family, friends, and culture all influence your development of communication skills, and the media you consume also impacts your communication habits.
- Communication isn’t seen as a skill. People often think of communication styles as a personality trait. You might say “That’s just how I am,” indicating that you are unable to change your communication style. While temperament is part of your nature or personality, communication style is not. Whether you are a quiet person, or more gregarious, assertive communication is a skill, and skills can be learned.
- Family influence. If you grew up in a family where clear communication wasn’t modeled, then it is likely that you also struggle with speaking up for yourself, or communicating clearly to others about things that are important to you. As children, we learn how to behave by watching our parents, and as adults, when we try to act differently than how we were raised, it can cause our nervous system to sound the alarm. When our nervous system detects a “threat,” it makes it difficult to learn a new skill, even if the skill isn’t actually a threat.
- Cultural Influence. The culture we grow up in will tell us what is considered rude and what is polite. Communicating assertively may be confused with being rude. There are many ways to communicate clearly without being disrespectful, but as assertive communication is a skill, it takes some work to learn how to communicate clearly while also showing cultural respect.
- Friends and Community Influence. Once you are an adult, and you have your own community of friends and even family members, it is difficult to break an already established pattern. If you have a pattern of communicating passively, or aggressively, then people now expect that type of communication from you. If you decide to be assertive, and to uphold boundaries, it can be uncomfortable for a while. Even though your community will eventually get used to the change, knowing that you have to withstand discomfort while people get used to the change can dissuade you from trying to learn assertive communication skills.
- Popular Culture and Media Influences. As much as I love a good sitcom or movie, I can’t help but roll my eyes at the very obvious lack of clear communication. Almost all sitcom conflicts could be easily resolved if the characters simply stated what is important to them. Similarly, romantic comedies drive me crazy because of how little the characters communicate. Popular culture and media pushes the message that if someone loves you then they “just know” about your hopes, desires, and needs. Hollywood loves to portray boundary crossings and passive communication as “romantic,” but it really isn’t. No one is a mind reader, and communicating clearly is an essential skill for relationship health.
What Are the Benefits of Assertive Communication?
After reading the list of why people may struggle to achieve assertive communication, you may be wondering why even bother. Is passive or aggressive communication really that bad? If you choose to practice communicating assertively, here are some of the benefits you can expect to notice with time:
- Peace in your relationship. Both aggressive and passive communication cause tension in relationships. Aggressive communication relies on bullying others into getting what you want, so people are often upset with you, or they avoid you. This includes your partner. In contrast, passive communication relies on hinting and hoping that your partner guesses what you want. This leads to disappointment, because no matter how good your partner is at guessing, they will still miss the mark sometimes. When you communicate clearly using assertive communication, there is no guessing or assumptions, and both partners feel like their needs are important. When both partners feel heard, then there is a much greater sense of peace and trust in the relationship.
- Getting what you want and need. While communicating assertively won’t always award you with what you want, it is a lot more likely that you will get what you want when the people around you know what that is. More importantly, when you practice assertive communication, it is a lot more likely that you will have your needs met. It is incredibly frustrating when you need something, and another person doesn’t respect that need; however, if the other person didn’t know you had a need, then how could they know that their actions are disrespectful? Communicating clearly through assertive communication gives the people around you the opportunity to show respect by honouring your needs, and doing their best to help you achieve your desires. As a result, you feel seen, heard, and valued by the people who listen to you.
- Deeper intimacy. Communicating assertively requires a level of vulnerability that passive or aggressive communication shies away from. When you are passive or aggressive, you close yourself off to letting others in, including your partner. Assertive communication requires that you share about your expectations, needs, and even your deeper desires. Communicating assertively cannot happen unless you are authentic in your relationship, which also gives your partner an opportunity to be authentic and vulnerable with you. This openness creates a deeper sense of intimacy as you and your partner learn to trust each other in a new way.
- Stability. While stability may seem synonymous with “boring” to some, all the drama that comes with uncertainty can be exhausting. When you communicate assertively, people know what to expect from you, which drastically reduces interpersonal tension. As you develop the skill of assertive communication, you will start to notice when others are communicating passively or aggressively, and you can ask them to be clearer in their communication so that you know what to expect from them in the same way that they know what to expect from you. When everyone’s expectations are clear, then life becomes a lot more stable.
Conclusion
Communication is something so ubiquitous that most of us don’t give it much thought. Today I hope that I have clearly communicated how important assertive communication is, especially as you strive to develop healthy, long lasting relationships, and build a stable, (mostly) drama-free life. When it comes to romantic relationships, clear, assertive communication is an absolute game-changer. It helps you develop a deeper sense of trust and intimacy, while also alleviating the tension caused by assumptions, mind-reading, or guessing.
While many think that their communication style is personality-based, healthy communication is absolutely a skill that can be mastered through practice; however, sometimes the influences that hold us back from using assertive communication can feel overwhelming. If this is the case, then it is a great idea to reach out for support. At True Peace Counselling, our counsellors are well-versed in helping people develop assertive communication skills. You are not alone in your struggle. Book a free consultation today.
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.
Kala McKenzie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Victoria, British Columbia. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, has specialized training in perinatal mental health, and is a member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. If you are an adult living in BC and interested in counselling with Kala, book a complimentary consultation here.
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