The Power of Fierce Self-Compassion: Embracing Difficult Choices for a Better Future

Have you ever known that a certain choice is best for you, but resisted making that choice? For instance, maybe you have a medical issue that you should get checked out, but you still haven’t made an appointment to see a doctor. Or perhaps you have a project to complete for work or school, and you know that you should choose to get started rather than to play video games. Choices that are good for us in the long run are difficult to make because they often require committing to something unpleasant for the short-term future.

I have been sharing about self-compassion this month, and I would be remiss if I did not cover what Dr. Kristin Neff calls “fierce self-compassion.” Self-compassion is often spoken of as being soft or gentle with yourself. While that describes one aspect of self-compassion, there is another side to self-compassion. The other side of self-compassion is firm and assertive.

What is Fierce Self-Compassion

On her website, Kristin Neff describes fierce self-compassion like this: “If tender self-compassion is metaphorically like a parent soothing his crying child, fierce self-compassion is like Momma Bear who ferociously protects her cubs when threatened, or catches fish to feed them, or moves them to a new territory with better resources.” It is equally compassionate to say to a friend “I’m here for you,” as it is to say to a friend “This is a bad situation, and I am concerned about your wellbeing.” While the first comment falls under the softer side of compassion, the second comment is a call to action and is better described as fierce self-compassion.

Fierce self-compassion is the side of compassion that recognizes that sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do because it is good for you. It is the part of self-compassion that bolsters you, helps you to make difficult choices, and moves you to action. It is not harsh or hurtful. To be self-compassionate does not include demeaning yourself. To be truly self-compassionate, you need to be able to speak to yourself with loving firmness.

Examples of Fierce Self-Compassion in Action

Standing up for yourself. Sarah has been friends with the same group of women for years. They went to high school together, and they meet for lunch at least once a month. One of the women in the group tends to put Sarah down by saying things like “Why did you join a local basketball team? You were never any good at sports.” or “You really shouldn’t order a dessert. Your body isn’t getting any younger, and honestly, your jeans look a bit too tight.”

Sarah is tired of these offhand comments, and has noticed that she doesn’t want to meet her friends anymore. After learning about self-compassion, Sarah decides to apply fierce self-compassion to the situation. She calls her friend and asks for a one-on-one coffee date. Sarah plans to talk to her friend about how hurtful the comments have been, and to ask her to change the way that she talks about Sarah.

On the day of the coffee date, Sarah feels nervous, and she wants to call to cancel. Instead, she bolsters herself by telling herself “This is hard. It isn’t easy to stand up to a friend, but it is better to stand up for myself than to dump my friend group or continue to be hurt. This isn’t comfortable, but I can do it.” She attends the coffee date, and speaks to her friend about the situation.

Communicating assertively. Bill grew up in a family where no one ever fought. In fact, no one ever dealt with conflict. Everything was swept under the rug, and the only way anyone knew that his parents might be upset was that they would make passive comments to one another, hinting that something was wrong.

Now that Bill is an adult, he finds it difficult to communicate assertively. His wife has asked him to try to speak up for what he wants, or to tell her if something is bothering him. She says “I can’t read your mind.” The entire situation makes Bill want to stay in bed all day instead of facing it.

Bill loves his wife, and recognizes that his passive communication style is hurting their marriage. He decides to make a concerted effort to practice assertive communication, so he says to himself “I feel really scared right now, and I don’t want to rock the boat. This is important, and I need to try. It will get easier with time.”

The next day his wife suggests that they go for a hike. Bill has a big project to finish for his business, and would normally go for the hike, then stay up very late to finish the project, despite needing more sleep. Bill stays true to his commitment, and says to his wife “Today I have to finish my work project. I cannot go for a hike.”

Setting boundaries. Ben and Julie recently had their first baby. They agreed that for the first month postpartum, they would like all visitors to call before coming over, so they communicated this to their friends and family. Three days after their baby was born, Ben’s aunt shows up at their house unexpectedly. When Ben answers the door, his aunt expresses desire to come in and see the baby.

Ben doesn’t want to upset his aunt, but he also knows that by upholding this boundary he is also upholding his commitment to his wife and newborn baby. Before he addresses his aunt, he thinks to himself “I wish my aunt would have respected our boundaries, but unfortunately that is not the case. As uncomfortable as this situation is, I have to take care of my family.”

He then tells his aunt that he is unable to invite her in, and reminds her that they asked all family and friends to call before visiting so that they could set up a good time. His aunt says “I was in the neighbourhood, and you cannot tell me that you won’t let me in. That’s so rude!” Ben reasserts the boundary by saying “I am quite serious, but if you would like to come over tomorrow at 10AM, that would work for us.” His aunt is not pleased, but Ben feels good about taking care of his family.

Ending toxic relationships. Allison has been dating Mark for just over a year. At first the relationship seems really great, as the two had a lot in common, and enjoyed similar hobbies. Unfortunately, in the last couple of months, Mark has started to have some toxic behaviours. It started when he yelled at her for forgetting book tickets to a show they wanted to see. He apologized after, but Allison was shaken. After that, Mark started taking a long time to respond to her text messages, and being distracted by his phone when he was spending time with her. He would often call her when he needed something, like a ride home from the dentist after dental surgery, but even then he made degrading comments about her driving. Allison became quite concerned when she noticed that he was drinking more heavily, but when she brought it up with him, he told her that she was too sensitive.

Allison really cares for Mark, but every time she tries to express any concern over his change in demeanour, he dismisses her, or gets mad at her. Her friends have told her that they are worried about her. They notice that she isn’t happy anymore, and that she seems stressed all the time. Allison doesn’t want to go through heartbreak, but she also recognizes that this relationship has become toxic. Although it is a very difficult decision, Allison knows that the best thing she can do for herself is to end the relationship, so she does.

Conclusion

Mental wellness requires balance and structure, but it can be difficult to achieve that balance and structure in a world where people push your boundaries, and have their own emotional wounds that cause unhealthy behaviours. Ultimately, it is up to you to take care of yourself, and addressing yourself with self-compassion is one of the best ways to do that.

Self-compassion has a soft side and a firm side. When you are self-compassionate, you validate your emotions, and comfort yourself; however, you also look at your long-term needs, and challenge yourself to make the difficult choices that will ultimately be better for you. While it’s easy to succumb to short-term comforts or avoid difficult conversations, fierce self-compassion reminds us that true care for ourselves involves taking the hard steps now to build a healthier, more fulfilling future.

If reading this post helped you to realize that you would like to develop a self-compassionate inner-narrative, then I urge you talk to a counsellor. Counsellors have specialized training to guide you in changing internal narratives and unhealthy behaviour patterns. If you are feeling stuck, I invite you to reach out for support. True Peace Counselling serves residents of British Columbia, and has counsellors who are trained to support you as you navigate the path toward self-compassion. Don’t wait to make change. Reach out today.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.