Self-Compassion: Building Healthy Boundaries

I remember the first time I heard the word “boundaries” in the context of mental health. I was an undergraduate student with an overbooked calendar full of classes, assignments due, and social engagements. I was overwhelmed with the length and chaos of my “To Do” list, and a mentor of mine introduced me to the concept of boundaries. She said that if I learned to say no to some things, then I could give better attention and focus to the more important things on my list. She was right.

Fast-forward to today. Boundaries are an essential part of my life, and without them, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I have thankfully survived my university years for both my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. I run a counselling practice, I am a wife and a mother, and I have several other “hats” to wear. Boundaries provide the structure that I need, and my family needs, so that life can run (somewhat) smoothly.

Developing healthy boundaries in your life can be uncomfortable at first. To have boundaries, you have to say no sometimes, and saying no to people who are expecting you to say yes is stressful. This is where self-compassion is useful. Self-compassion helps people withstand discomfort, which is a necessary skill in life. We all have to experience discomfort from time to time, and those who can maintain emotional regulation throughout discomfort tend to be more resilient.

Defining Boundaries

In order to set boundaries, you first need to have a clear definition. A common misconception about boundaries is that boundaries communicate to others how they should treat you. While that isn’t entirely inaccurate, the issue that I see with this definition is that it focuses on how the other person will behave, which is not within your power.

A more empowering perspective is to focus on what you can control – your own behaviour. Thus, I define boundaries as “Communication to others about what they can expect from me.” This way, the boundary is entirely in your control, and the onus is on you to have your communications match your actions.

Why is Boundary Setting So Difficult?

Often times boundary setting is difficult because you are trying to control someone else’s behaviours through boundary setting. If you say to someone “I want you to show up on time,” the communication is clear, but the onus is on the other person to be timely. If you say “I am leaving at one o’clock. I am happy to give you a ride if you are here before I leave,” then you have clearly communicated what they can expect from you, and if they are late, then they should not be surprised that you have already left.

Having said this, even if boundary setting is done in such a way that it communicates what others can expect from you, and is not an attempt to dictate other people’s behaviours, boundary setting can still be uncomfortable. We are compassionate humans, and if we perceive that we may be causing others pain, then we also feel discomfort. If people aren’t expecting you to uphold boundaries, then they may become upset when you start. It is really uncomfortable to witness other people’s negative emotions when they are people that you care about; however, it is also important to recognize that their negative emotions do not validate a boundary crossing.

How Self-Compassion Helps With Boundary Setting

Boundary setting is a process. At first, it is very uncomfortable because the people in your life will not expect you to uphold boundaries if you have not had healthy boundaries in the past. As you develop a stronger sense of what others can expect from you in different situations, then your boundaries will become clearer, and it will be easier to communicate them. With time, you will likely experience less pushback because the people who respect you will also respect your boundaries, and the people who struggle to respect other people’s boundaries will realize that they can no longer push through yours.

Throughout the learning process, you will experience discomfort, and you will make mistakes. That’s okay. Neither discomfort nor mistakes are inherently bad things; however, they are both difficult to experience if you are harsh with yourself. Self-compassion helps people weather the storm that comes with experiencing negative emotions. Being kind to yourself comes with a feeling of warmth and safety. This feeling helps you to recognize that even if you are feeling negative emotions, you are safe, and you will be okay.

Example Scenarios for Self-Compassion and Boundaries

Roommate Needs a Ride

Your roommate tells you that she needs a ride to work in the morning because her car is in the shop. You don’t mind giving her a ride, and so you tell her “I don’t mind if you catch a ride with me. I leave the house at 8:00AM, and I cannot be late for work, so I am letting you know that I will be leaving at 8:00AM sharp.”

The next day, your roommate is not ready at 8:00AM, and she asks you to give her 10 more minutes to be ready. You say “Unfortunately, if I wait 10 more minutes, I will be late for work. I am leaving at 8AM sharp.” At 8:00AM, you and your roommate leave, but your roommate did not have time to pack a lunch or fix her hair. She is upset with you, and is passive aggressive for the whole ride.

Self-critical response: If you have a self-critical response, you may think to yourself “My roommate is mad at me, and it is my fault. I hate this situation. I wish I wasn’t sure a rule follower, and that I could just be late for work. I’m so lame.”

Self-compassionate response: A self-compassionate response will acknowledge that this is an uncomfortable situation, but ultimately reinforce your decision to have firm boundaries. It will sound like this: “Wow, this really sucks. It is not fun to have my roommate be upset with me, but I really value being on time for work, and I was clear in my communication. It makes me feel sad that she is upset with me, but ultimately I recognize that I made the right choice. If she needs a ride in the future, she will know that I am serious when I tell her that I am leaving at a specific time.”

Gossiping Colleague

At work you have a colleague who gossips about other colleagues at work. The gossip is unprofessional, and it makes you uncomfortable. You have never said anything to stop the gossip in the past because you didn’t want to rock the boat, but recently you have decided to live in alignment with your values. Gossip goes against your values, and so you choose to speak up.

Next time you are in the break room, your colleague shares the latest gossip with you, but you stop him and say “I am not comfortable talking about our colleagues when they aren’t present. Let’s talk about something else.” Your colleague laughs at you, and continues to share gossip, ignoring your statement. You hold up your hand and say “I meant what I said. If there is nothing else that you would like to talk about, then I’ll have to leave.” Your colleague scoffs and walks away. You recognize that he will likely make you the topic of gossip when he speak to others, and you feel sad that he wasn’t willing to listen to your boundary.

Self-critical response: “What have I done? Now my colleague will gossip about me instead, and work will be awful. I’m so stupid. And he’s a jerk! I hate this situation. I should have never said anything!”

Self-compassionate response: “Wow, that was much more dramatic than it had to be. I know my colleague will likely start gossiping about me now, and that really sucks. I want to feel a sense of belonging, just like anyone else, so it is pretty normal for me to be sad right now. Still, I am proud of myself for stopping the gossip. I value professionalism, and connection. Gossip doesn’t fit with either of those values, and I am committed to living within my values.”

Conclusion

When people choose to develop healthy boundaries, there is usually a solid reason. They are tired of experiencing conflict with their family and friends, or they notice that they are always overbooked, and never have any time to relax. They feel as though they are always helping others, and receiving little in return. They also feel as if they can’t say no – it isn’t a choice, but an inability to utter that small word, “No.”

Changing patterns takes time, and it often feels messy. This mess is uncomfortable, which why it is essential that you address yourself with compassion when you are trying to strengthen your boundaries. As you can see from the example scenarios, a self-critical inner narrative is not supportive. It is hurtful, and often causes people to abandon their attempt to change.

Change is hard, but you don’t need to do this alone. True Peace Counselling has counsellors who are highly skilled at helping individuals develop stronger boundaries, while also identifying issues that may be making boundary setting even more difficult. Talking to a counsellor really helps. Book a free consultation today*.

*True Peace Counselling serves adult residents of British Columbia.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.