Practical Steps to Increase Self-Compassion

When I first became a parent, I struggled. I was a new mom who was used to being engaged in a busy work environment, suddenly isolated and regularly “nap-trapped” (when the baby sleeps on you, so you can’t get up and do things while the baby naps). Additionally, it was early 2021, and BC was at the height of its Covid-19 restrictions. I wasn’t even allowed to have anyone visit my house. I imagine that most parents were struggling during this time. It was incredibly difficult.

Thankfully, I knew about self-compassion. Having a self-compassionate inner narrative helped me to survive those early years of parenting, especially since they were Covid years too. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you will know that for January I am focusing on self-compassion. I have addressed why self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism for setting and accomplishing goals (read it here), and I have written about the beliefs that hold people back from engaging in self-compassion, even though research has debunked those beliefs.

Today, I will focus on practical types for applying self-compassion. If you grew up in a culture that focuses on self-criticism as its primary motivator, then self-compassion may seem impossible. Here are some step by step instructions to help you start your journey toward a more self-compassionate narrative.

I’m a big believer that when anyone is trying to change anything, having clear definitions is key, so that is where we will start. In my last post, I shared about what self-compassion is not. Today, I will define what self-compassion is.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the act of treating yourself with compassion (imagine that). A person who has honed a self-compassionate inner narrative treats themself with kindness, and recognizes that suffering or struggling is nothing to be ashamed of. Self-compassion is the opposite of self-judgment or self-criticism. Self-compassion has also been widely referred to as the antidote for shame. Where shame will disconnect a person and force them into isolation, self-compassion recognizes that all humans fall short, and that no person is without fault. We all make mistakes.

Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer explain that one of the foundational tenets of self-compassion is “Common Humanity,” the principle that all humans make mistakes, suffer at times, and and are in general imperfect. This “shared human experience” (Neff & Germer) bonds all people together. To have self-compassion is to recognize that as a human, you are worthy of connection and care.

How Do I Become Self-Compassionate?

How do I become self-compassionate? This is probably one of the most common questions that I hear in my therapy sessions. I will introduce the concept of self-compassion to a client, and they will say that’s great, but how do I actually do it? What does it sound like to be kind to myself, and how do I undo years of self-criticism type thinking?

Here are the steps that I share with my clients:

Acknowledge that you have power over your thoughts

The first step is to acknowledge that you have power over your thoughts. Many people have not recognized that they can take control of their own thoughts. Most of the time our thoughts run on automatic mode because if we had to choose every thought that passed through our minds, it would be exhausting. We would never get anything done in a day! However, from time to time, it is helpful to switch from automatic mode to manual mode.

Try this: Think “I’m wearing a blue shirt.” Great. You chose your own thought. Even if it wasn’t true (maybe your shirt is yellow), you were able to conjure the thought “I am wearing a blue shirt.” We can do this with more meaningful thoughts as well. For instance, you can conjure the thought “I don’t want to be mean to myself anymore.”

Acknowledging that you can choose your thoughts is helpful because when you acknowledge that you can do something, you give yourself permission to try.

Suspend Judgment

The next thing I encourage you to do is to suspend judgment. This might be harder than you imagine. We tend to judge our own selves for any perceived failures. As parents, we judge ourselves for not being as patient with our children as we want to be, or for being late for an engagement or appointment. We judge ourselves for feeding our families takeout pizza instead of whatever homecooked meal we think would be better. When our kids have tantrums in public, we may judge ourselves for not being “in control” of our kids. You name it, we judge ourselves for it.

Suspending judgment looks like this:

Recognizing the judgmental thought. If you hear a thought that includes the phrase “I should have….” it is probably a judgmental thought. Or if you think “I always/never….” you are probably judging yourself.

Choose to let the thought go. If you want to exercise self-compassion, then you have to choose to let go of judgmental thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up for having judgmental thoughts (that’s more self-judgment!), just choose to let them go. You can say something like this to yourself:

“Oops, that was a judgmental thought. I’ll let that go.”

“There goes another judgmental thought. My goodness I have a lot of those.”

“Hello judgmental thought. I’m going to let you pass by.”

Acknowledge your struggle.

If you’re going through a difficult season, then you may be struggling. If you feel defeated, deflated, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, or even just plain fed up, it is likely that your’e struggling with something. Acknowledging that you’re struggling is key to practicing self-compassion. You can say something like this:

“This is so difficult. I am not enjoying it.”

“I am having a really hard time right now, and I can acknowledge that.”

“Oof, this is an uncomfortable feeling.”

Remind yourself that you are human.

Once you have acknowledged your suffering, you need to remind yourself that you are not alone in this. This step is key for transforming self-pity into self-compassion. Self-pity is focused on how much I am suffering, and has the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) assumption that no one else suffers in the same way I do. If you have read Pride and Prejudice, think of Lizzy Bennet’s mom. She is steeped in self-pity.

Reminding yourself that you are human, and that other people struggle too helps you steer clear of self-pity, and it opens you to connecting with others. Remember, compassion is all about connecting more deeply with your important people, and reminding yourself that you are human also reminds you of the other people in your life who will be there to support you. They have suffered too, and they know that it is important to support each other.

Give yourself an encouraging phrase.

Finally, it is time to give yourself an encouraging phrase. Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer tell us to imagine that you are talking to a friend who is in the same situation as you are. What would you say to encourage them? Another way to figure out what encouraging phrase would work best for you is to ask yourself “What do I need to hear right now?”

Here are some phrases I have heard people choose:

“This is tough, but I have done hard things before, and I can do this too.”

“I am not alone in this, even if I feel alone sometimes.”

“It takes strength to go through hard times. It is okay that I feel tired.”

“I will get through this one moment at a time.”

Conclusion

Developing a self-compassionate inner narrative takes some work. It can be difficult to catch yourself in the self-critical moments, and to make the conscious choice to speak kindly to yourself. When I think about how challenging this can be, I am reminded of Dr. Terry Real, who says that he has made a commitment to speaking to himself with loving firmness rather than harshness. This work takes commitment, but the results are well worth the work.

Any change takes both work and commitment. Sometimes it is easier to kickstart the change and to really commit to the new pattern when there are practical steps to follow. I hope that the steps that I outlined above are helpful for you; however, if you are feeling stuck, I invite you to reach out for support. True Peace Counselling serves residents of British Columbia, and has counsellors who are trained to support you as you navigate the path toward self-compassion. Don’t wait to make change. Reach out today.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.