Debunking Myths About Self-Compassion in Parenting

When you think about mental wellness for parents, self-compassion might not be the first thing that comes to mind. After all, there is so much stress that comes with parenting, it may seem useless to focus on something like being kind to yourself. Nonetheless, there is ample research that supports the claim that developing a self-compassionate inner narrative is life-changing.

If a self-compassionate inner narrative is so life-changing, then why do people struggle with it so much? Self-compassion experts, Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer, share that people struggle with self-compassion because they hold beliefs about self-compassion; however, these beliefs are not founded, and often times the opposite is actually the truth. Today, I’m going to outline some of the beliefs that may really hold parents back from exercising self-compassion. Additionally, I’ll explore how those beliefs may negatively impact parenting strategies, and even impact parents relationships with their kids.

Beliefs That Hold Us Back From Self-Compassion

Self-compassion inspires laziness

Many people believe that having a self-compassionate inner narrative will result in them sitting on the couch all day, doing nothing. As nice as this may sound to some parents, it also sounds like a nightmare. Parents have so much to do on a daily basis that imagining themselves doing nothing on the couch may be a bit panic inducing. No one else is going to make meals, tidy the house, keep the kids on their routines, drop off and pick up from childcare, do the laundry… the list goes on. If a person believes that self-compassion will result in laziness, they may actively choose to avoid self-compassion.

Thankfully, self-compassion does not inspire laziness, although having a self-compassionate inner narrative may inspire a bit more well-balanced rest if needed. Self-compassion inspires listening to your own needs, and bringing balance; however, these needs include a tidy living space, having your children’s’ needs met, eating balanced meals, etc. Self-compassion won’t inspire laziness, but it might help you feel more centered as you move about your day. It may remind you of why you do the things that you do, and that is a good feeling.

Self-compassionate people have no motivation

Similar to feeling lazy, lacking motivation is a truly difficult experience. Unfortunately, many parents are quite familiar with the feeling of lack of motivation, especially if they experienced (or are experiencing) postpartum depression. When a person lacks motivation, they feel heavy inside, and they know that something is wrong.

Unfortunately, many people try to “force” themselves to have motivation by beating themselves up or speaking harshly to themselves. They might say something like “I just need to stop being so lazy” or “I should be able to feel motivated. I’m so useless.” As I addressed in my last post, self-criticism has the opposite effect to motivation. Criticizing ourselves induces a stress-response similar to fight-flight-freeze, and the response shuts down our ability to think logically. It also can shut down our motivation.

If you are struggling with motivation, whether it be due to depression or for other reasons, I encourage you to try to hone a self-compassionate inner narrative. Self-compassion won’t cure motivation struggles, but it will help reframe your situation. That reframe will likely alleviate some stress, which may in-turn alleviate some of the motivation issues.

Self-Compassion is the opposite of self-discipline

I don’t know about you, but for me as a parent, I want to set the example for my children of having a healthy amount of self-discipline. Believe it or not, self-compassion helps develop self-discipline. Many people believe the opposite to be true, but the fact is that having a self-compassionate inner narrative creates a deeper sense of understanding for why self-discipline is necessary in the first place.

A common thread that I have heard among counselling clients is that looking back on their childhood years, one of the things they didn’t appreciate from their parents was blind rules. “You have to do this because I say so.” Self-criticism is like blind rules. In contrast, self-compassion offers understanding, but also upholds the long-term importance of doing something that is unpleasant in the short-term. Rather than saying to myself “Just clean the dishes, stop being so lazy!” I might say to myself “I know that you’re tired, and that you don’t want to clean the dishes. But these dishes won’t wash themselves, and if I wake up tomorrow to a very messy kitchen, then my morning will be very difficult. I will thank myself tomorrow for doing dishes today.”

Approaching ourselves from a place of compassion is like having a parent sit down with a child to explain why the rules are what the rules are. Even if the kid doesn’t want to follow the rules, they will eventually understand why the parents implemented the rules, and it is likely that their relationship with their parents will be stronger too. Having self-compassion with yourself means that you are able to discipline yourself with kindness.

Self-compassion is the same as self-pity

I have never met a parent who enjoys it when their child whines, and self-pity is essentially the same thing as whining. It is incredibly triggering when people whine, so the idea that self-compassion is akin to whining is enough to send anyone running. Thankfully, this is not the case.

Self-compassion is about recognizing and being in a place of acceptance about struggles or suffering. In contrast, self-pity comes from a place of denial. Self-pity is about complaining. It sounds like this: Woe is me. I can’t believe something like this would happen to me. Why me? This is so unfair! I am so unhappy, and everyone around me should be unhappy too!

Yuck. Self-compassion is much more attractive. A self-compassionate narrative acknowledges that things are difficult, but it doesn’t expect anyone else to fix the issues for the person, nor does it attempt to drag others down into their suffering.

Self-compassionate people are weak

The idea that self-compassion is weakness is probably the most common response that I hear when I introduce the idea of self-compassion. This is a pretty natural response to being told that it is helpful to treat yourself with kindness, because for many people, having a kind approach has led to a history of being bullied. Those emotional wounds don’t go away overnight, and no one is eager to re-experience bullying.

Having said that, I have to point out that self-criticism is actually more in-line with bullying than self-compassion is. It is unfortunate that people tend to take on the voices of those who treated them poorly in the past, but it is a fact that people often do just that. It takes strength and courage to change that narrative, and to give yourself the kindness that you deserved as a child or adolescent. Changing the narrative from expecting criticism to expecting kindness or compassion is not only life changing for the person doing it, but it will also have lasting impacts on their children.

Self-compassionate people are boundaryless

People often associate compassion and kindness with boundarylessness. Afterall, to be kind one must be somewhat selfless, and to be selfless means putting others first. Sometimes people mistakenly believe that being kind or compassionate means never saying no, which would equate to being boundaryless.

The truth is quite the contrary. To have compassion for yourself means that you can acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings that arise when you uphold a boundary. It is not easy to have someone be upset with you for saying no, and parents have to do this on a daily basis. Just this evening, my daughter wanted to play with me instead of getting ready for bed. Upholding the routine and boundaries of our house, I told her that we can play more tomorrow, but for tonight it is time to get ready for bed. This wasn’t the answer she was hoping for, but it was a firm boundary set with compassion. It doesn’t feel good to see your child’s face fall when their hopes of playing with you more are dashed by the onset of bedtime routine, and having a self-compassionate stance helps soothe those unsavoury feelings.

Setting and upholding boundaries takes energy and strength. Having a self-compassionate inner narrative means that the person is on their own team. Self-critical narratives tend to berate the person. People say they feel like they are arguing themselves, or at war with themselves. That war takes a lot of energy, which depletes the energy stores for when external boundaries need to be enforced. A self-compassionate inner narrative won’t change the amount of energy needed to uphold a boundary, but it will free up more energy as the person is no longer fighting themself.

Conclusion

As you can see, there are many beliefs about self-compassion that would lead a person to believe that a self-compassionate approach is less effective than the approach that they are currently using, which is usually self-critical. Research has shown that these beliefs are mislead, and that, in fact, self-compassion helps alleviate depression and anxiety, increase self-confidence and self-esteem, and improve motivation and boundary setting.

I think that one of the most prominent reasons that parents may struggle with developing a self-compassionate inner narrative may be that it energy to change, and parents are not famously swimming in energy. Let me encourage you – change does not have to happen overnight. Changing your inner narrative takes time, and it happens one small step at a time. As you notice your thoughts, I encourage you to consider how you might speak to yourself with kindness, recognizing that you are human, and that as a human, you struggle sometimes.

If you want to develop a self-compassionate inner narrative, but you are struggling with the change, I encourage you to reach out for support. True Peace Counselling offers therapy sessions where professional counsellors help you develop the skills to change. Counsellors also offer support as you process emotional wounds that hinder you from speaking kindly to yourself. This kind of work creates intergenerational changes, benefiting not only you, but also your friends, family, and children.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.