Embrace Self-Compassion: The Key to Effective Goal Setting

Welcome to 2025 – A new year, and often the time when people consider what changes they would like to make to improve their lives. We have just survived the holiday season, and let’s be honest – we are exhausted. If you are a parent, then you have just navigated attending dinners and parties and all sorts of holiday events with your children. This is no small feat. On top of it, you made sure that the “magic” of the holiday season was preserved, and if you are recognized for your efforts, it won’t be for many years to come. Well done. You have worked hard.

So, here we are in early January, fielding social media posts about all the ways that you can improve yourself for the new year. Maybe you are setting goals, and if you are, I would like to encourage you to do so with a compassionate attitude. Too often we set goals because we think that we are “failing” in one way or another, and we believe that if we just toughen up and discipline ourselves, then we can stop failing. This mindset is self-deprecating, and self-critical. In today’s post, I’ll share about taking a self-compassionate approach to goal setting, and why this approach is much more successful than a self-critical approach.

Why Self-Criticism Doesn’t Motivate You

We love to use self-criticism to motivate ourselves. What I hear most often is that people believe that using self-criticism is motivating because it is a way of punishing ourselves for our wrongdoings. This punishment (i.e. being mean to yourself because you were “bad” or “lazy”) is meant to motivate us to change. Unfortunately, it actually does the opposite.

Why doesn’t self-criticism motivate change? Simply put, self-criticism activates a stress response in our brains, which puts us into a negatively emotional mindset. In other words, criticism elicits negative emotions, and once we start to feel negative emotions, our emotional state tends to spiral downward, creating a vicious cycle of negative thoughts and negative emotions. If we are looking to create positive change, we need to use an approach that reduces negative stress, and increases positive emotions.

How Self-Compassion Improves Motivation

If self-criticism elicits negative emotions, self-compassion does just the opposite. To have compassion is to have feelings of sympathy or concern for the suffering of others (Oxford Dictionary). Although compassion is an emotion that is focused on suffering, it is still considered a positive emotion because it ultimately feels good. Compassion increases our sense of connectedness to others, and reminds us that we are not alone in this world. Turning that compassion toward ourselves decreases our stress response, and elicits positive thoughts and emotions. These positive thoughts and emotions are much more supportive when we are trying to motivate change.

Motivating change requires a certain level of logic. If it makes sense to change, then we tend to want to change. For instance, if I know that going outside for a 20 minute walk each day will vastly improve my mood and overall mental health, as well as improving my physical health as I move my body more, then it is a no-brainer that I should go outside for that walk each day. It’s logical. Unfortunately, motivation is hampered by negative emotions and negative thinking. Thoughts such as “I am tired, and I don’t want to leave the house” overpower the logical thoughts about the benefits of going outside.

For many people, the default response to thoughts like “I am tired, and I don’t want to leave the house” is either to disassociate by scrolling through social media, or to beat themselves up by telling themselves something critical like “You’re so lazy. No wonder you never change!” Self-critical responses have been written into our thoughts through years of cultural and media influences. Many parents were taught that punishment is the key to gaining respect from children, and punishments were often laced with criticism. It takes times to rewrite these narratives, but it isn’t impossible.

How to Use Self-Compassion to Motivate Change

The first step to creating a self-compassionate inner narrative is to catch your self-critical thoughts, and to let those thoughts go without criticizing yourself for having them. It’s actually kind of funny that when we are trying to become more self-compassionate, we may actually be self-critical of our attempt to hone compassion. So, the first step is to notice those self-critical thoughts, and to choose to let them go.

The next step is to replace your critical thoughts with compassionate ones. Drs. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer developed the Mindful Self-Compassion approach, where they teach others that true self-compassion has three key components: self-kindness, a recognition of common humanity, and mindfulness. In other words, if your thoughts aren’t kind, then they aren’t compassionate.

In the earlier example, I used the thought “I am tired, and I don’t want to go outside.” A self-compassionate response will recognize my suffering, but it will also keep in mind that taking regular walks outside will ultimately decrease my suffering and improve my health. Such a response might look something like this:

“It is true, I am tired. Changing my habits to improve my health takes a lot of energy, and it is hard for me. Still, I know that this will get easier with time, and that taking regular walks should help improve my mood. If I don’t have a depressed mood, I will have more energy, and I will be happier. This walk is important, so I am going to do it.”

Do you see how that response is much different from a self-critical response? The example I used earlier for a self-critical response was this: “You’re so lazy. No wonder you never change!” Which response feels more motivating to you?

Conclusion

I remember when I first learned about self-compassion. It felt like I was breathing fresh air for the first time. To me, the approach made so much sense, although I know that for many people the approach seems counterintuitive. In my next post, I will address the many myths about self-compassion, in hopes that I may encourage you to develop a more compassionate inner narrative.

Developing a self-compassionate inner narrative isn’t something that happens overnight, but working on self-compassion is something that will immediately have positive effects in your life. Using a self-compassionate inner narrative is a highly effective way to motivate yourself toward change. Self-compassionate thoughts reduce stress, which allows your brain to access both logical and emotional thoughts. In contrast, self-critical thoughts increase stress, which shuts down your ability to access logical thinking. Logical thinking is very important when you are creating lasting change in your life!

If you struggle with self-criticism, I encourage you to seek support in developing a self-compassionate inner narrative. Whether this support is through reading a book on self-compassion, or attending counselling sessions, don’t delay. If you would like to seek counselling, I offer counselling services to adults in Canada. Check out my website to book a free consultation today.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.