Happy Spouse Happy House – How Dads Can Enhance Their Mental Health

As we come to the end of November, I will wrap up my series on mental wellness for dads by highlighting the importance of your mental health. You may have heard the age-old saying “Happy wife, happy life,” but I think the more important saying is “Happy spouse, happy house.” When it comes to mental wellness in the family, dads are often overlooked, but as most of us know, if one person in the household is unhappy, it creates stress for everyone in the home. We all need to work together to take care of each other.

Here are some key factors in maintaining your own mental wellness:

Community

Something that can easily get lost in early parenthood, especially if you are the working parent, is a sense of community outside of your home. It is difficult to make juggle a busy schedule – many dads work 40+ hours per week, have a commute to manage, and are engaged with their family with the limited hours that they have at home. There is not much time left for friends or other community commitments. Nonetheless, community is an essential piece in maintaining mental wellness.

Everyone’s need for community looks different. For some, meeting up with a couple friends to play golf once a month is enough. For others, meeting weekly with others is essential to their sense of balance. The important thing is finding something that works for you and your family. Sometimes that may look like meeting another dad-friend at the playground for a playdate with the kids, but it is also important to make sure that you get some child-free time as well.

Clear Communication

Of course as I write about taking time for yourself, I need to include a section about clear communication. Clear communication is an essential piece for everyone’s mental wellness. A family is a system, and if the various parts of a system aren’t communicating with each other, then nothing works well. Everyone has needs, and it is unfair to expect others to guess your needs. Clear communication is the best way to make space for everyone’s needs to be met, including your own.

Communicating is a two-way street. It includes both expressing your own needs and desires, and listening attentively to the needs and desires of your partner and children. Expressing your needs and listening attentively are both skills that take work to develop. Both skills require vulnerability, and the ability to withstand discomfort, as conflict is bound to arise when communicating about everyone’s needs within the system. Remember – everyone’s needs are important, and clear communication is the best way to ensure that everyone feels heard, and that everyone’s needs are met.

If you are a dad who works a fulltime job on top of having family life, you may feel out of touch with your family’s needs. I often hear from dads that they feel disconnected; as though they aren’t a part of the family system anymore. The best way to combat that sense of disconnection is to hone excellent communication skills within your family system. You are an essential part of the family, and your needs matter.

Emotional Connection

A major contributing factor to mental wellness is having a sense of purpose, and a sense of purpose is contingent on feeling connected to your loved ones. In an earlier post, I wrote about how emotional connection is the key to a healthy sex life. Expanding on that, emotional connection is key to mental wellness.

What do I mean when I say emotional connection? Emotional connection is a bond that involves a deep sense of trust and respect. Much like wolves, humans are pack animals. We thrive in community, and we die in isolation. Being in community provides a sense of safety. The deepest sense of safety comes from a deep emotional connection with a trusted friend, family member, or partner.

Having an emotional connection with someone means that you trust them enough to share your emotional experience with them. An emotional connection cannot be forced, and should not exist with someone who disrespects or harms you. Emotional connections are based on trust, so they build and deepen over time.

In early parenthood, emotions can be raw. It is really important to have emotional connection with others so that you have a safe space to express the various emotions you are experiencing. Feeling safe and feeling heard is an important part of mental wellness. Being able to emotionally connect with others also creates a sense of community, and adds to the feeling of being part of something bigger than yourself. These are all important factors in your mental wellness.

Boundaries

As a dad, you have a lot going on. Sometimes it is hard to know when to say yes and when to say no. Having boundaries around your time helps protect your mental wellness.

Healthy boundaries are much like Goldilocks and the Three Bears – you want them to be just right. Too rigid, and you block out emotional connection. Too porous, and you feel overwhelmed with demands on your time. Healthy boundaries are centered on assessing your needs, considering the context of your family system, and using clear communication to formulate a plan that respects your time, and the time of those around you.

Parenthood is a busy time, and it is easy to let your mental wellness get lost in the shuffle. By honing your boundary setting skills, you protect your mental wellness, and improve the quality of life for you and your family.

Self-respecting inner dialogue

Our inner dialogue often goes unnoticed; yet, it is an essential piece of mental wellness. In my recent post, Why Do Dads Beat Themselves Up? Understanding Self-Criticism, I shared about the tendency for dads to turn anger toward themselves, and I included several strategies for change. How is your inner dialogue? Do you beat yourself up? Alternatively, is your inner dialogue full of judgment of others? Either way, having an inner dialogue that is full of judgment is a recipe for mental strife.

As a general rule, I recommend treating yourself and others with respect. While this seems like a simple rule, you may be surprised by how difficult this is. Treating yourself with respect means not putting yourself down or name-calling. It also means that you give yourself a measure of grace and understanding for mistakes and shortcomings, while also holding yourself accountable to respectable behaviour. Respecting others is the same – putting people down or name calling, even if it is behind their back or silently in your mind, is a way of masking a larger personal issue.

Having a respectful inner dialogue creates peace within. To have a respectful inner dialogue, you must face and resolve conflict, and let go of petty issues. It requires commitment to yourself, and if you honor this commitment, you will see improvements in your mental wellness.

Conclusion

Mental wellness is more than just happiness, although we like cute sayings like “Happy spouse, happy house.” Having a good sense of mental wellness is about being resilient to the emotional ups and downs of life – of which there are many in early parenthood; tending to the family system through clear communication and healthy boundaries; and being respectful of yourself and others as you navigate life in community. Mental wellness is about connection, community, and a sense of purpose.

If you have been struggling with your mental health or wellness, and you have told yourself that it doesn’t matter, please take this opportunity to rethink. You are important, and your mental health matters. Counselling can help change your mental health experience. I offer free consultations at True Peace Counselling. Book today and we can chat about working together.

*This invitation extends to people in Canada, due to international regulation differences. If you are not in Canada, please reach out to a local counsellor for support.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.