Parenting is stressful, and so is balancing work, parenting, and partnership. For many dads, the default way to unwind is to drink. Excessive alcohol consumption creates stress and tension in many families, and many dads are looking for strategies to successfully manage stress with less alcohol.
The thing is, drinking becomes a part of a behavioural pattern (a habit). Changing a behavioural pattern takes significant effort, especially when a substance is involved. Consuming alcohol does help your body relax; it lowers inhibitions, and relaxes your body. Unfortunately, lowering inhibitions can also cause us to say things we regret, or let our temper get the best of us. Drinking can get out of hand, and as a stress-management tool, it quickly becomes troublesome.
If you are considering drinking less, here are some strategies that can optimize your approach for success.
Set Your Intention
The first step to creating any form of change in your day-to-day life is to shift from a passive mindset to an active mindset. Regarding drinking, this may look like shifting from periodically thinking “I should drink less,” to intentionally sitting down and making a plan for how much alcohol you would like to consume, and how you will achieve your goal of reducing alcohol intake. Creating change requires intention, so if you want to see success, take the time to consider what exactly you want.
When you set a goal with intentionality, there are some important factors to consider. You will want to ask yourself the following questions:
- How much alcohol would I like to consume in one sitting?
- What is the maximum amount of alcohol that I would like to drink in one week?
- Is this goal realistic for me? Do I believe that I can achieve this?
- How long will my initial commitment be?
- Who will I tell about my choice to reduce drinking? Will this person be supportive?
- What will help me achieve success? What might get in the way?
When you are answering these questions, be very specific. Do not write “A couple of beers” – rather, write an exact amount of alcohol. For an initial commitment, I recommend 3 weeks, if you feel like you can realistically commit to that amount of time. It takes about 21 days for a habit to form, so 3 weeks is a helpful amount of time to withstand the negative bits of change, and to start to see positive results.
It is okay if a part of you feels resistant to change – that’s totally normal. However, it is important to acknowledge that you can be resistant to change and desire change at the same time. You are human, and it is normal to have complex feelings about something as important as alcohol consumption. Overall, the most important part of this goal is that you are committed to success, even if it will be difficult, and even if only part of you wants to see change.
The Devil Is In the Details
The second strategy to effectively adjusting alcohol consumption is to consider all of the nitty gritty details. This might seem like overkill, but if you have been struggling to create change, then this isn’t overkill – this is an effective strategy. Here are the details that you want to consider – and I highly recommend writing down the answers either with pen and paper, or on a laptop/phone.
External factors. Think about when you tend to drink.
- Who are you with?
- Where are you?
- What time of day is it?
- Is it a weekday or weekend?
- Does a certain date or time of month impact your desire to drink (i.e. rent is due on the first of the month, which may increase stress and make the first of the month a time to be aware of).
- Are specific noises, scents, or sights more likely to trigger the urge to have a drink?
Internal factors. Think about the moments before you start drinking.
- What thoughts are going through your mind?
- What physical sensations do you feel?
- What state of mind are you in (i.e. feeling more emotional, or more divorced from emotion)?
- How tired are you?
- Are you hungry?
- What emotions are you feeling?
Now that you have documented these details, you can prepare yourself for the more challenging moments that come up when you are working on achieving the goal of reducing alcohol consumption. Writing down these details may have been difficult, because you had to intentionally face the moments where you struggle most; however being prepared is always better than being caught by surprise. Writing a comprehensive list of factors related to drinking will greatly increase your likelihood of succeeding in your goal.
Cost-Benefit Analysis
A cost-benefit analysis is a way to remind yourself why you are choosing to change your relationship with alcohol. As I mentioned earlier, it is normal to have complex feelings about drinking less. Part of you may want to reduce your alcohol consumption, while another part wants embrace drinking as much as you want. Creating a cost-benefit analysis helps remind you why change is important.
To create a cost-benefit analysis, consider the following:
- What are the long-term benefits of drinking less?
- What are the short-term drawbacks of drinking less?
- What are the long-term detriments to continuing to drink as much as I do now?
- What are the short-term benefits of continuing to drink as much as I do now?
Much like writing out the detailed factors related to drinking, writing a cost-benefit analysis can be an emotional process. It is hard to turn with intention toward the details of alcohol use. The good news is that change is possible, and that writing a cost-benefit analysis is a very helpful way to motivate change.
Understand the Cycle of Consumption
Creating change is all about noticing details and making intentional choices. Understanding the cycle of consumption will illuminate the many steps that are involved in choosing to drink so that you can be more intentional in your decision making.
The cycle of consumption looks like this:
Have a thought related to drinking –> Have the urge to have a drink –> Make a plan about how to satisfy the urge –> Fulfill the plan and consume the drink –> Think about another drink –> Repeat
As you can see, there are several steps that come before actually consuming the drink, and you can interrupt the cycle at any point of this cycle. Naming where you are in the cycle is incredibly helpful. For instance, you might say “I notice that I want a drink, which means that I am currently in the “Have an urge” stage of the cycle. Something must have made me think about drinking, and now I am having the urge to have alcohol. Just because I am having an urge doesn’t mean that I actually want to have a drink. I can let this moment pass.”
Urge Surfing & Putting It Off
Once you notice an urge, you may feel like you have to satisfy the urge right away. Like ignoring an itch, ignoring an urge can feel incredibly uncomfortable. Two strategies for managing urges include urge surfing and putting off getting a drink.
Urge Surfing. Urge surfing means that you recognize and name that you are experience an urge. During this exercise, you notice the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that you are experiencing, and remind yourself that experiencing an urge will not hurt you. The nature of an urge is much like a wave; the feeling starts small, and then grows until it reaches it peak and breaks. It is uncomfortable with “surf” the wave by withstanding the urge, but it will not harm you. Once the wave passes, you may even feel empowered as you recognize that you have accomplished something quite difficult.
Putting it off. When you notice an urge, you can manage it by putting off the fulfillment of the urge. Look at the clock, and give yourself 30 minutes to do anything else. Try to engage in an activity rather than being sedentary for those 30 minutes. When 30 minutes is up, reassess your urge. It is highly likely that after 30 minutes, your state of mind will have changed, and you won’t feel the urge as intensely anymore.
Limit Access
Another effective strategy for managing urges to drink is to limit your access to alcohol. If alcohol is available to you, then it will be a lot harder to say no in a stressful moment. Even if a 12 pack of beer is cheaper at the store, a wiser choice may be to purchase singles. Or, if you do purchase your alcohol in bulk, then only make a portion available for yourself. This might mean asking someone to lock away the extra.
Another way to manage availability is to create a “token” system where you give yourself a certain number of drink tokens per week as a way to increase awareness of how often you choose to drink. You can use something like poker chips to represent a drink token, and then every time you pour a drink, you have to pay one token into a jar. When you run out of drink tokens for the week, then you have to wait until the next week to give yourself more tokens.
BYOD
Going to social gatherings can be a major tripping point for people who are trying to reduce alcohol consumption. A practical strategy that helps manage the temptation to drink more due to social pressure and increased availability is to bring your own non-alcoholic drink options. It might seem like this is an embarrassing option, but many people find that they only endure a comment or two from friends before people move on to the next point of interest.
Having your own non-alcoholic drink option makes it less likely that you will choose alcohol because there is nothing else on the drink menu that you will enjoy.
Conclusion
Reducing alcohol consumption can be a difficult task. Many people have struggled with the change, and feel frustrated with their struggles. As a dad, you have a lot going on. You probably are dealing with a lot of stress, both at home and at work, and I imagine you’re not getting enough sleep. Early parenthood is a tricky time to change behavioural patterns, but sometimes the change is worth the work.
Being intentional about your choices, and taking the time to write down the details of your situation is a very good place to start. Having practical strategies like urge surfing, putting off urges, limiting your access, and bringing your own drink helps increase your likelihood of success. Additionally, I recommend finding a safe person to talk to about your choice to drink less. Talking to someone helps remind you that you are human, and all humans have things that they struggle with. You are not alone.
If you are looking for support in reducing alcohol consumption, I invite you to book a free consultation with True Peace Counselling. Counselling is a nonjudgmental practice, and the counselling room is a safe place to talk about whatever is on your mind.
*This invitation extends to people in Canada, due to international regulation differences. If you are not in Canada, please reach out to a local counsellor for support.
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.
Kala McKenzie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Victoria, British Columbia. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, has specialized training in perinatal mental health, and is a member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. If you are an adult living in BC and interested in counselling with Kala, book a complimentary consultation here.
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