Why Do Dads Beat Themselves Up? Understanding Self-Criticism

Dads, how often have you spent the entire day or night beating yourself up for a mistake you made? Perhaps you yelled at your kid(s) after promising yourself that you would remain calm. Or you forgot your child’s mittens, and the daycare staff scolded you for not having mittens for your child. Whatever the case, it is all too common for men to respond to personal mistakes by directing anger at themselves.

If you have a habit of beating yourself up, it is time to change. Self-directed anger leads to further mental health issues, including excessive substance use, issues with self-esteem and self-image, disconnection from important relationships, anxiety & panic attacks, and increased risk-taking behaviours. The key to change lies in first understanding why you respond by directing anger at yourself, then recognizing that self-directed anger or criticism is not helping you. Finally, you need to choose to implement strategies that will create long-lasting change instead of maintaining the pattern of self-directed anger.

Why do I beat myself up?

Your first response when you notice that you are directing anger at yourself may be to become even more self-critical. If that’s what’s happening right now, pause. Take a breath. The pattern of self-directed anger will not be broken with more self-directed anger. Instead, let’s explore the many reasons why men beat themselves up.

Anger because of cultural messages. It is no secret that men have been socialized to repress their emotions, and that anger is typically seen as the only acceptable emotion for men to express. Our popular media depicts the ideal man as strong, stoic, and unemotive. Culture is slowly changing, and thankfully popular media is starting to communicate that men can share their emotions too; however, the long-lasting impact of the expectation that men repress their emotions will take a long time to change.

Take a moment now to consider what media you consume, and what messages it communicates about how men should look, behave, emote, communicate, etc. Now consider how those messages impact your self-image. How do you feel when your self-image doesn’t match the image handed to you by popular media?

Resistance to discomfort. Every emotion has a function, and one of the functions of anger is to put space between you and something that is encroaching on your boundaries. Many men have been taught that showing any emotion other than anger is a sign of weakness, so they create an unspoken rule – “I don’t show emotions.” A rule is no different from a boundary, so when uncomfortable emotions well up, it feels the same as a boundary being crossed, and the response is anger. The problem is that the person encroaching on the boundary is the man himself, so the anger he uses to preserve the rule “I don’t show emotions” is directed at himself.

Being resilient to discomfort requires emotion recognition and regulation; however, if a man lives by the unspoken rule that showing emotions is a sign of weakness, then he won’t be able to develop emotional resilience because every time he feels an uncomfortable emotion, he will respond with anger. Uncomfortable emotions are a fact of life; there is no escaping them, so the unconscious strategy of becoming angry instead of accepting and processing uncomfortable emotions becomes maladaptive. The man feels anger toward himself, which fuels further uncomfortable emotions, and leads to unhealthy coping behaviours.

Anger as an attempt to motivate change. Many people believe that if they beat themself up, then they will be motivated to change. The idea that I have heard from many dads is that if the self-directed anger stops, so will all motivation to change. They fear that they will become stagnant and will continue to exhibit behaviours that they are ashamed of.

The fact is, self-criticism and bullying are poor motivators. There is ample research that supports the fact that self-criticism creates a stress response in the brain, and the stress response shuts down logic and reasoning. Our brain’s stress response is great for creating short-term change that doesn’t last, but it is not great at changing behaviour patterns. Changing behaviour patterns require awareness and patience rather than criticism and frustration.

Think about a time when you were learning a difficult new skill. The learning process was probably frustrating as it is natural for you to mistakes while attempting to hone your new skill. You may have felt frustrated with yourself when you inevitably made mistakes, and as that frustration increased, you likely found that you were unable to continue practicing the new skill. You may have had to take a walk and cool down so that you could think clearly again.

Frustration and stress shut down your ability to think clearly, and you need to think clearly to learn something new. Thus, self-directed anger is a poor motivator to creating personal change. If you find yourself engaging in behaviours that you don’t like (i.e. drinking too much too often, or erupting in anger at others), then beating yourself up only perpetuates the issue.

It is normal to believe that you can create change by being angry at yourself, but holding on to this belief is unhelpful and counterproductive.

Strategies for Change

How do we change maladaptive patterns? Most men who have been using self-directed anger to cope with discomfort have been doing it for a very long time. They might even say “This is just how I was born. I’ve done this all of my life.” Whether this is a recent development, or you cannot remember a time when you didn’t direct anger at yourself, there are strategies that can help you change.

Notice your thoughts. It is a powerful act to build awareness of your thoughts. Most people float through their days unaware of the things that they are thinking, and oblivious of how those thoughts impact their mood. You don’t have to meditate for long periods to build awareness of your thoughts, although it does require intentionality on your part. If you want to create change in your life, you have to choose to change.

In my Foundations for Change series, I wrote about the practice of labelling thoughts. This simple practice is has two steps 1) State “I’m having the thought that _______.” I might say “I am having the thought that I am running late for work,” or “I am having the thought that my partner is upset with me.” 2) Remind yourself that just because you think something, doesn’t mean that it is true.

Noticing your thoughts and labelling them as not necessarily true empowers you to choose what thoughts you allow to impact you and your mood. If your thoughts are angry and directed at yourself, labelling them will help calm you down so that you can then choose how to respond to yourself in a more self-respecting way.

Commit to change. Creating change requires commitment, and commitment requires intention. For this strategy, take some time to think about how you deserve to be treated. If you think that you deserve to be treated with anger and degradation, then there are likely much deeper issues at play. Those issues are better resolved with the help of a therapist.

Dr. Terry Real has a saying: “There is nothing that harshness can do that loving firmness cannot do better.” Treating yourself with harsh self-directed anger may give you some of the results you were hoping for, but treating yourself with loving firmness will get you better results. Dr. Real recommends making a deal with yourself where you commit to having a self-respecting inner narrative, and I second this recommendation. Having a self-respecting inner narrative is much more conducive to mental wellness than being angry and degrading toward yourself.

Consider what weakness means to you. Many men resist feeling emotions other than anger because they were taught (either overtly or covertly) that showing emotions is akin to showing weakness. If this is the case for you, consider asking yourself what weakness means to you. If weakness means that people have the power to hurt you, then ask yourself who may be trying to hurt you? Who do you trust? And why are you hurting yourself by being so angry with yourself all the time?

If you are struggling to separate emotional vulnerability from weakness, check out my earlier post, How Dads Can Embrace Vulnerability Without Weakness. Being comfortable with a greater range of emotions does not mean weakening yourself, but it does mean embracing some level of vulnerability.

Recognize that discomfort won’t kill you. It isn’t fun, but feeling discomfort won’t kill you. Think about going to the dentist. There is nothing comfortable about sitting there with your mouth propped open as the dentist jams pokey metal things into your mouth, but after the appointment is finished, you are not hurt in any long-term capacity. The physical discomfort didn’t kill you, and neither will emotional discomfort.

Anger is a protective emotion, and feeling emotionally uncomfortable can be a vulnerable position. Anger comes up to protect you from that discomfort, but you can tell anger that it doesn’t need to protect you right now since you’re not in real danger.

If you are living with the belief that feeling negative emotions is weak, or not allowed, then when you naturally do feel some negative emotions, your protective anger will rush in to defend you. Unfortunately, you are the one feeling the negative emotions, so the anger thinks that you are the threat, and attacks you. Recognizing that you can withstand the discomfort of negative emotions may help the negative emotions pass more quickly, and save you from beating yourself up in self-directed anger.

Forgive yourself. If you have a pattern of attacking yourself in anger, then it is likely that you’re holding some sort of a grudge against yourself. This grudge may be the belief that you have failed, or that you’re not “good enough.” Whatever it is, you need to forgive yourself. You are human. Humans are imperfect. It is okay to forgive yourself.

Forgiving yourself is not an easy strategy. It takes vulnerability and self-reflection. If this is something that is difficult for you to do on your own, consider seeing a counsellor. Counsellors are trained to guide you through this process.

Conclusion

Being angry at yourself is exhausting. It disconnects you from the people that you love, and it makes you feel stuck in a hopeless pattern of bullying yourself. Men in particular struggle with self-directed anger because of cultural expectations that men repress emotions to avoid being perceived as weak. However, the actual case is that being able to experience a full range of emotions strengthens mental wellness and is key to developing resilience.

If you struggle with self-directed anger, I truly hope that the strategies I listed are helpful in creating change. If you continue to struggle, I recommend finding a therapist to talk to. I offer free consultations, and I often work with men who are looking to change personal maladaptive patterns. Don’t live like this any longer – book a consultation today.

*This invitation extends to people in Canada, due to international regulation differences. If you are not in Canada, please reach out to a local counsellor for support.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.