ADHD in Dads: Understanding Its Impact

Last weekend I attended the BCACC’s Regional Workshop, which focused on working with adult ADHD. Although you may think ADHD is a diagnosis reserved for children, the truth is that ADHD impacts adults as well. ADHD is a lifelong type of neurodiversity – meaning that you won’t develop ADHD later in life if you didn’t have it as a child, but you also won’t outgrow it. The diagnosis is often missed in children, and it is not uncommon for adults to discover that they are “ADHDers” when they become parents.

ADHD is a type of neurodiversity that impacts executive functioning, which means that parents with ADHD may feel the stress of parenthood in a different way than non-ADHD parents. True to my promise to focus on mental health in fatherhood for all of November, today’s post will address how ADHD may impact dads.

If you are an ADHD Dad, you may notice that you are often “in trouble” with your family. You may struggle to complete tasks, leaving your spouse frustrated. You may also notice that you have explosive reactions to your own frustrations or big feelings, which disconnects you further from your family. If you’re an ADHD dad and you feel like life is out of control, finding a counsellor who works with ADHD clients can be life-changing.

A note on language choice: I choose to use language that celebrates the diversity of the ADHD brain. ADHD is not a disease, it is a classification of brain-type. Thus, I choose to say “ADHDer” rather than “person with ADHD.”

How ADHD Impacts Executive Functioning

In his 2008 article, Describing Six Aspects of a Complex Syndrome, Tom Brown, PhD, describes six ways that ADHD impacts executive functioning. True to their human nature, each ADHDer is unique, so how each of the six categories impact each person will differ. Let’s look at each of Dr. Brown’s categories and talk about how they may impact ADHD dads.

Activation – Organizing, prioritizing, and activating work. Being able to activate executive functioning means that you are able to start and stop tasks when you need to do so, even if they are less desirable tasks. When you’re a dad, this might mean that when there is something that needs to be done around the house, it takes you a very long time to get to it. Then, when you finally do get to it, you either struggle with maintaining attention on it (i.e. you walk away partway through the task), or you get so involved in it that you neglect other things because it is difficult to stop your work.

Focus – Focusing, sustaining, and shifting attention. Most people who have heard of ADHD know that it impairs the ADHDer’s focus. ADHD makes it significantly more difficult to ignore distractions, including distracting thoughts. Effectively focusing throughout the day requires that you are able to choose what you focus on, and that you are able to sustain or shift your focus as needed. For ADHDers, this is quite the ask. They may be highly distracted if the object of their focus is not highly interesting, or they may focus so intently that they struggle to shift their focus when something more important comes up (often called “hyperfocus”)

As a dad, you have a lot of things demanding your attention. Children are not exactly the epitome of calm and silence, so even just their presence can be highly distracting, let alone their penchant for repeatedly saying “Dad, dad, dad, dad,” until they get your attention. Additionally, if you are trying to focus on playing with your little one, you may find it difficult if the topic of play isn’t particularly interesting to you. No offense to the little people in our lives, but their topics of play aren’t always the most stimulating.

Effort – Regulating alertness, sustaining effort, and processing speed. Being an ADHDer may mean that you struggle to sustain effort. You may be determined to remain focused and hard working throughout the task at hand, but find yourself distracted or zoned out five minutes in. According to Dr. Tom Brown, it is not uncommon for ADHDers to have trouble staying awake during a less-than-exciting task. At work this might look like dozing off during meetings, and at home it may be difficult to stay awake while childminding.

Another way that regulating alertness impacts ADHDers is that it makes it difficult to fall asleep at night. Regulating alertness means that you are able to sustain alertness and turn alertness off when necessary. As a dad, sleep may already be challenged as kids struggle to sleep through the night and may keep you up. Adding in the impacts of ADHD can make getting enough sleep quite challenging.

Finally, ADHD also impacts processing speed, which means that it can be difficult to slow yourself down enough to do a task that requires refined movement. Children often require us to slow down and match their speed. This can be extra challenging for an ADHD dad. Doing your daughters hair was challenging enough without adding ADHD to the mix!

Emotion – Managing frustration and modulating emotion. As an ADHD dad, it may be more difficult to stop the explosive anger that boils over when you feel frustrated. It takes skills to manage these intense emotions, and ADHDers have to work harder to hone the skills. I’ll address ADHD skills in a future post, but my earlier post on tips for managing anger may be helpful if frustration is a particularly tricky experience for you.

Frustration is not the only emotion that ADHD impacts. ADHDers may experience “difficulty modulating feelings of sadness, discouragement or depression” (Brown, 2008) as well. When you’re a parent, you are modeling emotion management skills for your kids. Children co-regulate with their parents (meaning if you are calm, it brings a sense of calm to your children, and if you’re agitated, then so are your children), which means that there is extra pressure to emotionally regulate yourself. As an ADHD dad, this can be a difficult task, but it is not impossible. Working with a counsellor who has specialized training truly helps.

Memory – Utilizing working memory and accessing recall. Being a dad means remembering all sorts of little details that may seem impossible for an ADHD dad. People with ADHD forget things more easily, as their working memory works differently than the memories of non-ADHD folk. As a Dad, this might mean forgetting your kid’s water bottle on the way to a sports activity, or forgetting the diaper bag as you head out the door. It can be incredibly frustrating, and add to the emotion regulation challenges that we discussed above. That frustration may come out as anger against others, or it may be internalized as self-hatred. Either way, it is important to find healthy ways to channel the frustration that results from memory and recall issues.

Action – Monitoring and self-regulating action. How many times have we heard ADHDers be labeled as impulsive? It’s true – the ADHD brain struggles with regulating action. According to Dr. Brown, this can impact social situations in one of two ways: The ADHD person may miss emotional cues and say inappropriate things; or, they may be too emotionally in-tune, causing them to freeze up. Either way, social situations can be tough for ADHDers. As a dad, how do you navigate the many social events that you have to attend with your kids? Be it socializing with other parents at a birthday party, or interacting with your in-laws, social situations are a challenge.

In addition to social situations, the impulsivity that comes with ADHD is known to increase risky behaviour. For men, this typically looks like speeding while driving, increased substance use, unprotected sex, and more physical fighting. As a dad, you want to protect your kids. ADHD dads may feel ashamed that some of their impulsive behaviour can put their children at risk. When kids are involved, it is important to know how to manage impulsivity to make sure that everyone present is safe.

Conclusion

Being an ADHDer can be quite fun, but it does take skills to be an ADHDer living in a neurotypical world. Being an ADHD dad has its own challenges. The differences in the way that your brain works as opposed to your possibly neurotypical family members may make it feel like you don’t belong.

There is a famous quote from Albert Einstein – “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” In this quote, ADHDers are the fish. ADHDers have brains that work differently, but they are expected to fit into a system that is built for a neurotypical brain. Now, there is no chance that a fish will learn to climb a tree, but there are skills that ADHDers can hone to be able to thrive in the world they live in. In my my next post, I will focus on skills ADHD dads can use to help develop strong connections with their families.

If you read this post and thought “My gosh, she is describing me!” then I encourage you to reach out for support. As a Registered Clinical Counsellor, I can help you develop skills for managing ADHD brains. I cannot diagnose, nor can I prescribe medication, but I can support you on your journey to love yourself in your entirety. Book a free consultation now.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.