Mental Wellness for Dads – Emotional Connection is the Key to a Healthy Sex Life

In my most recent post, I shared that being vulnerable does not equate to being weak. I also outlined the importance of healthy communication and healthy boundaries when opening yourself to being vulnerable with someone.

Vulnerability is a challenge, but with the right person it leads to a deep emotional connection. this emotional connection is essential if you would like to have a healthy sex life with your partner. When you deepen emotional connection, opportunities for sexual connection are likely to increase as well.

Releasing the Brakes

In her 2015 book Come As You Are, sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, writes about factors that hit the brakes for sexual desire. These factors include anything that you would consider a turn-off, and they can be unique to an individual, or more commonplace. Unsurprisingly, stress is listed as one of the most common factors that hit people’s sexual brakes.

During the early parenthood journey, there are many factors that cause stress – lack of sleep, the house being a mess, the constant to-do list revolving around the kids, temper-tantrums, body changes, and did I mention the lack of sleep? Having a deeper emotional connection with your partner will not change the existence of these stressors; however, it may help both you and your partner feel more supported, more validated, and less stressed.

Think of it this way – if you have a large workload and are dealing with immature, picky clients all day, it makes it a lot easier if you have a team to lean on. This is no different within a romantic, co-parenting relationship. Kids are demanding, and it can feel like life throws a lot of lemons your way – but being a part of a team cuts the isolation. You don’t feel so alone, nor do you feel judged or condemned for your struggles. When you are on a team you feel understood and supported. You can relax a little.

And when you relax a little, you cuddle more. And when you cuddle more… well, you know the rest of the story.

Increased Physical Connection

All jokes aside, increasing the emotional connection between you and your partner is likely to increase the physical connection as well. When I say physical connection, I don’t necessarily mean sex. Physical connection in this context refers to playful or loving, non-sexual touch. Loving touch can look like a shoulder massage, couch cuddles, hugs, or even simply holding hands while you go for a walk.

Emotional connection and physical connection are a two-way street. The greater the reduction in physical connection, the greater the reduction of emotional connection; and vice versa. When you have an infant and/or young children, your opportunity to connect both emotionally and physically is reduced. It is easy for the connection that you once shared with your partner to fade, and for you to feel like you are living with a roommate rather than a lover. Being intentional about increasing your emotional connection often results in the restoration of your physical connection as well, sex included.

Sense of Safety

Deepening your emotional connection serves to deepen the sense of safety you feel around your partner as well. A major factor in connecting sexually is a sense of a safety. During sex, each participant needs to have a sense of safety. Without safety, it is much less likely that sex will take place, and if it does take place while one of the participants doesn’t feel safe, there are much greater issues at hand.

There are many factors that come up regarding sex and safety. When it comes to having sex while pregnant or postpartum, body image can impede someone from feeling safe. The pregnant person’s body changes significantly as she grows a baby. After birthing the baby, there is physical healing that needs to take place, but there is also a very emotional piece around the many changes her body has experienced. If your partner feels emotionally disconnected from you, it is much less likely that she will feel safe sharing her changed body with you.

The body changes that the birthing parent experiences aren’t strictly related to image. The physical impact of carrying and birthing a baby can cause sex to feel painful. If your partner feels safe with you, then she is able to communicate with you when she is in pain; however, without that sense of safety, sex may stay off the table for a long time.

Caring for the emotional connection between you and your partner is an essential piece to honing a deep sense of safety as well. Without safety there is no trust, and without trust, sex is limited at best.

Support for Mood Fluctuations

Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety will make sex much more challenging as well. Feeling depressed causes a person’s motivation levels to absolutely plummet, and being anxious makes it hard to relax and enjoy the moment. Both motivation to engage with your partner, and the ability to relax are important factors to a healthy sex life.

One of the things that greatly helps alleviate postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety is having a healthy support system. Who better to feel supported by than your own partner? Having a healthy emotional connection should lead to both partners feeling supported and validated. This is not a cure for postpartum mood disorders, but it can help lessen the symptoms so that both partners can experience connection emotionally, physically, and sexually.

Increased Playfulness

When you feel emotionally connected to someone, it is much easier to be playful with them. You may be wondering how this relates to sex. Emily Nagoski addresses this in her most recent book, Come Together: The Science and Art of Creating Long Lasting Sexual Connections (2024). Nagoski shares that when couples are in a playful state of mind, it is easier to transition into a pleasure focused state of mind.

Playfulness lets you lower your guard. When your defenses are down (because you feel safe with this person!), you are more likely to welcome physical touch. Physical touch from your partner feels pleasureful, which then leads to feeling sexual desire. You know the rest.

Without emotional connection, playfulness is less likely to happen, especially when you are busy taking care of your family. Playfulness is a key part of maintaining a healthy romantic relationship, full of fun and meaningful sexual encounters.

Conclusion

Having an infant or young children can bring so much joy to a couple, but it can also cause major rifts to happen in the romantic relationship. One of those rifts comes from a lack of sexual intimacy, which is an essential part of romantic connection. When sexual intimacy is muted, one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to tend to your emotional connection.

Having a strong emotional connection helps clear the path for fun and satisfying sex. A strong emotional connection allows each partner to feel supported, and increases their resilience to the stressful situation that is early parenthood. Being more resilient to stress and feeling emotionally connected fosters a sense of safety between partners. This sense of safety is especially key when you are redeveloping your sex life after having a baby.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.