How Dads Can Embrace Vulnerability Without Weakness

Do you remember in 2010 when Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power of Vulnerability went viral? Maybe you don’t, but I do. I remember feeling inspired as I listened to her words, and as a young aspiring mental health professional, I shared the TED Talk with a male friend of mine. As soon as he saw the title, he said “Nope. I’m never going to watch that.” After talking about it with my friend, I learned that he equated “vulnerability” with “weakness,” and he refused to listen to anyone who would tell him that there is value in being “weak.”

As you may know, this month I am writing exclusively about dads’ mental wellness on the blog. When I surveyed dads asking for topics, this one came up – men want to know how to be vulnerable because they recognize that vulnerability is key to connection, and connection is key to a happy family. What men have told me they struggle with is how to achieve vulnerability without also appearing weak.

Defining Vulnerability

The first step to learning to be vulnerable without being weak is to recognize that the two are not synonymous. Merriam Webster Dictionary defines vulnerable as “Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.” In contrast, weak is defined as “Lacking in strength.” Even the strongest person has vulnerabilities. Think about the Greek hero, Achilles. He was incredibly powerful and strong, but had a key vulnerability in his ankle. No one would call him weak, but his ankle was vulnerable.

When you equate vulnerability to weakness, it is much less likely that you will entertain the idea of being vulnerable. However, if you see vulnerability as a conscious choice to open yourself to potential harm, you might think twice.

Opening yourself to harm communicates trust. It says “I trust that you won’t hurt me, even though you have the opportunity to cause me harm.” Trusting your partner is part of having a healthy relationship, and leads to greater relationship satisfaction. It also helps you provide a united front as you face the challenges that come up while parenting.

Distinguishing between vulnerability and weakness is the first step to learning to be vulnerable. I mentioned earlier that vulnerability is a choice, which is important to understand because part of maintaining strength while honing vulnerability is choosing the people that you are vulnerable around.

Boundaries Keep You Safe

When you choose to be vulnerable, it is essential that you make this choice with people who respect you and are considerate of your wellbeing. Not everyone is worthy of trust. Some people use information to manipulate or cause harm. Thus, part of honing the skill of being vulnerable without losing strength is having healthy communication skills, and having healthy boundaries.

Having healthy communication skills means that you clearly communicate your expectations around privacy and respect. Let’s say that you are sharing something vulnerable with your partner, and you don’t want others to know. The best way to know that your partner knows that you don’t want others to know is to say “I don’t want other people to know this.” In the same way, if your partner does something that hurts you, healthy communication looks like this: “When you ______, it hurt me.” Then you can have a discussion about why they did what they did, and how they can make amends if the hurt is justified. This discussion is not possible without clear communication and some vulnerability.

Practicing healthy communication skills sets the stage for healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are based on a healthy sense of self-worth (you are not worth less than anyone else, nor are you worth more than anyone else), and the understanding that we should treat and be treated with respect. If you have clearly communicated your expectations to someone (for example, I expect you to keep this information private), and they disregard your expectations, you have evidence that this person does not respect your boundaries, and is not a safe person with whom to be vulnerable.

What Do Healthy Boundaries Look Like?

Unhealthy boundaries can look like being too porous (everything gets through), or too rigid (nothing gets through). If boundaries are too porous, then when someone does something that hurts you, you might not talk to them about it. You might incorrectly justify why they hurt you, and then continue to be vulnerable with that person, even though they are hurting you.

Rigid boundaries block everyone and everything out. They do not leave room for honest mistakes or for personal growth. If someone takes accountability for their boundary-crossing behaviour, and offers to make amends, someone with healthy boundaries will consider whether it is a wise choice to reinstate trust with this person. In contrast, someone with rigid boundaries will not even consider being vulnerable with this person again.

Thus, a key to learning to be vulnerable while also feeling strong is to practice healthy communication skills, and to develop healthy boundaries. The goal of being vulnerable is to deepen your connection with important people in your life. Being vulnerable with the wrong people provides the opposite results.

The goal of being vulnerable is to deepen your connection with important people in your life. Being vulnerable with the wrong people provides the opposite results.

Being Vulnerable Requires Emotion Management Skills

One of the misconceptions of vulnerability is that being vulnerable is the same as giving in to your feelings, or that people who express vulnerability lack emotion management skills. The line of thinking is something like this: “If I talk about feeling depressed, then I will have given in to the feelings, and they will take over.” Another line of thinking is “Managing emotions means repressing them, so being vulnerable is the opposite of emotion management.” If this belief is holding you back from being vulnerable with your loved ones, it is time to reconsider.

The idea that not talking about your emotions is the same as managing them is a myth. You may also be secretly hoping that if you weather the storm of depression or anxiety without talking about it to anyone, then the anxiety/depression will go away. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the “ignore it” strategy is not a super successful one. To be human is to have emotions, and those emotions need attention. Giving them attention requires some vulnerability, both with yourself and with others.

Expressing emotion to a trusted person is part of emotion management. Being able to say “I’m feeling angry right now, and I need space to process what I’m feeling” takes vulnerability. When you practice healthy levels of vulnerability, you are not giving in to emotions; rather, you are learning to effectively manage your emotions. Learning to effectively manage emotions is a powerful skill that affords you a less stressful life, and deeper connection with the people that you love.

Conclusion

The word “vulnerable” has a bad reputation, especially among men. The misconception that to be vulnerable is to be weak has ruined emotion management for many a dad. It is my sincere hope that reading today’s post has planted a seed that will help you to reconsider this notion.

Being vulnerable is not easy. It takes work to open yourself to harm, and there is no promise that you won’t get some bumps and bruises as you learn to navigate healthy communication and healthy boundaries. Despite the energy involved in opening yourself to your loved ones, the end result is worth it as you develop deeper relationships with your family and loved ones.

If you’re reading this and thinking “This is impossible,” please know that you don’t have to undergo this journey alone. Talking to a counsellor is incredibly helpful, and it can be easier to be vulnerable with a professional who is not connected to your personal life. I invite* you to book a free consultation with me so that we can discuss working together. The choice to learn to hone vulnerability from a place of strength could change your life. Book with me today.

*This invitation extends to men in British Columbia due to interprovincial and international regulation differences. If you are not in BC, please reach out to a local counsellor for support.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.