Mental Wellness for Dads – Navigating Conversations in Early Parenthood

Dads, something that comes up when I work with men in the counselling room is how difficult communication with your partner can be. There are many factors that impact the communication styles that you grow up to favour. Where you grow up impacts the unspoken rules of communication, and the communication styles that you witnessed from your parents also plays a part in your development of communication skills. It is no wonder that when two people start a relationship, learning to effectively communicate with each other can be tricky.

Now add a baby. You and your partner are exhausted and stressed. Adding a tiny human to the family has created new issues, and finding time to have a productive conversation with your partner about how to address the newfound issues is challenging at best. To top it off, your partner is experiencing hormone shifts that make moods unpredictable. How are you supposed to have a productive conversation now?

Today I’ll address how to set the tone for a productive conversation when you’re in the early parenthood journey.

Be Intentional About Making Time to Connect

When a baby joins your family, the priority shifts from connecting with each other to preserving the life of this tiny human. As it turns out, babies take a lot of work! It can be easy to let any time for connection fall away as you try to find time to take a nap. This is a period of life when connecting with each other takes intentionality.

Being intentional about making time to connect isn’t specifically a communication skill; rather, it is a way to set the tone for healthy communication. You are more likely to operate like a team if you feel connected to one another, and you’re more likely to feel connected if you actually spend time together.

Sometimes intentional time together will be time to discuss family issues, and to problem solve. Other times, it will be time to connect recreationally. Both are important. The key is to intentionally schedule time together, because when you are parents, it is less likely that this time will happen organically.

Fight the Issue, Not Your Partner

When it comes to effective communication, it is important to consider what your goal is. Ideally, your goal is to communicate a message that is important to you, and to hear your partner’s thoughts on that message. When you are tired or angry, sometimes the goal is more along the lines of “Make my partner see that I am right and they are wrong.” This is a much less effective goal.

If you have noticed an issue, and need to discuss it with your partner, as yourself who you are fighting. If you’re wanting to fight your partner, take a break. This is not the time for a discussion. If you are wanting to tackle the issue together, as a team, then proceed. This is the ideal goal for a discussion between partners.

Ask “Is This a Good Time?”

It isn’t easy to bring up issues with your partner, but it also isn’t easy to be on the receiving end. No one likes being told that something they are doing is causing an issue, so when you have this discussion with your partner, you want them to be in as well-rested and attentive as possible. The simple way to do this is to ask. You might say “I have something I need to talk to you about. Is this a good time?” This gives your partner time to prepare themselves for a discussion that requires more emotion management than casual conversation.

Benefit of the doubt

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt may be tricky if you’re feeling slighted. Your partner may have said something in a tone that you interpreted as rude, or they may have eaten the last chocolate chip cookie. When you are tired and stressed, your brain reverts to more childish ways of thinking. Think of how often kids claim “He did it on purpose!” while pointing an angry finger at their siblings. When your mind reverts to this childish state, the first thing you may think is that your partner purposely did something to make you angry. Take a breath and remember that your partner may not have realized that they were putting you out. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and save the fighting for another day.

If the issue that is causing anger is something that keeps coming up, take time to talk to your partner about it. They may not realize that something they are doing is bothering you, and it is unfair for anyone to expect someone else to read their mind. Say something like “You may not know this, but when you leave the car keys in your purse instead of hanging them back on the key hook, it really bothers me. I’m usually running late, and if I have to search for the keys, then it makes my morning more stressful. Would you mind being more intentional about putting them back on the hook?”

Shift Away From Blame – “I-Statements”

Something simple that can turn a simple conversation into World War 3 is using “You statements.” You-statements are statements that typically start with the word “You” and go on to describe the shortcomings of your partner. “You never fill the car with gas!” is a great example.

The trick to shift from “you” to “I” statements is to focus on the issue rather than the anger. “When the car isn’t filled with gas, I end up being late for work. It makes me feel stressed and angry.” I-statements shift the focus from the anger you’re feeling to the issue at hand. As I noted earlier, it is important to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. It is entirely possible that they were not trying to put you out. Further, using I-statements keeps the focus on the two of you being a team addressing an issue, rather than being opponents fighting over an issue.

Be Honest and Vulnerable

When you’re engaging in conversations that may get heated, it is helpful to be honest and vulnerable. Conversations turn to arguments when you become defensive, and the antidote to being defensive is to be vulnerable. I have another post coming up all about honing vulnerability so that you don’t feel weak when being vulnerable, but for now, I’ll give these tips:

• Remember that you and your partner are on a team. You shouldn’t be attacking each other, so it should be safe to be vulnerable.
• If you partner is verbally attacking you, set boundaries. You can say “When you say those things, it hurts me. I want to have this conversation, but I am not okay with being attacked. Please let me know when you’re ready to talk.”
• Practice naming how you are feeling. Emotions tell us a lot about what is motivating our words. If you are feeling scared the conversation will go in a very different direction than if you are feeling angry. Naming emotions helps shift you from a place of being controlled by your emotions to being in control of your emotions.

Being honest requires vulnerability. If you cannot tell your partner that you are struggling with something, then you cannot have a productive conversation.

Take a Break if Things Get Heated

No matter how well we set the tone for a calm discussion, things can get heated. Early parenthood is a time of life when you have a lot on your mind, so you get overwhelmed more easily than when you’re in a more relaxed time of life. If you feel like a fight is coming on, you are allowed to tell you partner that you need some time to cool down. When you do this, it is important to be intentional about returning to the discussion. The issue still needs to be resolved, but you recognize that continuing the discussion when you are feeling heated is not productive.

Conclusion

Long-term relationships are important. Whether or not the romance is there, you live and co-parent with this person. Being on good terms and having effective communication helps improve the quality of life for everyone in the house.

If you are struggling in your relationship, and not sure how to reconnect with your partner, counselling can help. I offer individual counselling, which can help you learn to navigate difficult relationship situations, especially if you are uncomfortable with couples counselling. If you live in British Columbia, book a free consultation today, and we can chat about working together.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.