When I surveyed dads to ask for topics they would like to read about this month, one of the responses that was mentioned frequently was how to deal with the pressure to “be enough” for the family. Having a new baby is incredibly demanding, and much of the process is focused on mom. How can dad feel like he is enough in such a scenario?
Understand that you have limits
It is important to recognize that you are human, and naturally have limits. You cannot be everything for everyone, nor should anyone expect you to be. Take a moment to consider everything that you do for your family. If you are a working dad, you may spend hours at a job so that you can financially provide for your family. You may be picking up overtime shifts to make up for added costs of growing the family. When you are at home, there is the emotional labour of connect with your kid(s) and partner, as well as the executive functioning energy spent on keeping on top of projects that help the home function. In short, you are probably doing much more than you realize, and you, as a human, have limits.
Recognize your worth
Whenever someone says to me that they think they aren’t enough, I question “Enough for what?” Often the answer boils down to the belief that your worth is dependent on what other people think of you, or on how much you accomplish in a day. I will one day write an entire blog post on self-worth, but for now I will keep it short: Your worth is not dependent on what other people think of you, or how much you accomplish.
You have worth simply because you are human. I like to say “One human equals one human.” What you do and how you behave does not impact your worth. You are worthy of respect, and you are worthy of being treated well, and you are also responsible to respect others and treat them well.
When we doubt our worth, we experience self-deprecating inner narratives, such as “I am not enough,” or “If I don’t do more, then my family won’t love me.” Those thoughts take a toll on your self-esteem, and your overall mood. Remember – you are enough, and you do not deserve to have self-deprecating thoughts.
Communicate with your partner
When a baby joins the family, our communication skills tend to take a back seat. We are exhausted and worn thin, which makes emotional regulation a challenge to say the least. It isn’t easy to focus on healthy communication skills in this state. Nonetheless, communication is extremely important during this time. Talk to your partner about what is important to your family, and how you can support each other during this time. Together, you can decide what needs attention, which will give you a better idea of how to spend your limited time and energy.
Focus on relationship
When all else fails, focus on relationship. Nothing matters more than the relationship you have with your family. Being in the early stages of parenthood is stressful. There will always be more chores to complete. The house will (almost) always be a mess. That’s just a fact of life right now. Another fact is that the state of your home doesn’t matter half as much as the state of your relationship with your family. If you feel like you aren’t enough, shift into connection mode. Remember that your worth is not dependent on your accomplishments, and take a moment to enjoy being with your family.
Conclusion
Feeling like you’re not enough is tough. Most people fight this feeling by trying to do more, which exhausts them further. Instead of giving in to the urge to “do more,” take a moment to re-center. Recognize that you are human and have limits, remember that your worth is not dependent on your accomplishments, and make an intentional effort to connect deeply with your family.
These steps are easy to write about and easy to read, but sometimes they can be difficult to accomplish. If you are struggling with self-worth and the belief that you aren’t “enough,” counselling can help. I invite* you to book a free consultation at True Peace Counselling, where we specialize in issues like this. After all, you are important, and your mental health matters.
*This invitation extends to men in British Columbia due to interprovincial and international regulation differences. If you are not in BC, please reach out to a local counsellor for support.
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.
Kala McKenzie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Victoria, British Columbia. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, has specialized training in perinatal mental health, and is a member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. If you are an adult living in BC and interested in counselling with Kala, book a complimentary consultation here.
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