Healthy Ways to Manage Anger as a Dad

What makes you angry? Is it when you have asked your kiddo ten times to pick up their shoes, and then you trip on the shoes that are still in the middle of the hallway? Or maybe you feel angry when the baby is crying and just won’t stop crying. You know it is irrational – the baby isn’t crying to make you mad, but your blood is boiling nonetheless. Perhaps you’re a soon-to-be dad, and the stress of becoming a new parent has made your anger button extra sensitive these days. Whatever it is that makes you angry, you might be wondering what to do about anger.

Different personalities experience and express anger in different ways. Some people have explosive expressions of anger. They ignore the feeling until they just can’t ignore it anymore, and then BOOM. The anger explodes in the form of yelling, or punching a wall. Others tend to have a slower burn, where they silently seethe all day. Everyone around can tell that they are angry, and they know better than to bug them until the storm has passed. If you feel like your personality’s experience of anger is “less than,” don’t worry – there are no “superior” personalities when it comes to emotional expression. Handling anger isn’t about changing who you are; rather, it is about changing your relationship to anger, and developing skills for healthy anger expressions.

Handling anger isn’t about changing who you are; rather, it is about changing your relationship to anger, and developing skills for healthy anger expressions.

Relationship to Anger

Your relationship to anger is how you react to the topic of anger. If you say something like “I hate anger, and I hate it when I feel angry,” then your relationship to anger is pretty hostile. Alternatively, you might say “Being angry gives me power. People listen to me when I’m angry, and they never listen otherwise.” In this case, anger is a helper for you.

Another way to look at this is to imagine that anger is something physical in the room with you. What would your body language be toward the physical representation of anger? How close would you allow this anger figure to be to your body? The way that you relate to something changes the way that you act towards it. Emotions are messengers, so with any emotion, anger included, we want to have a relationship where we can listen to the message without being overwhelmed or taken over.

Tips

In my earlier post, Coping with Postpartum Rage, I explain that anger occurs when something that we want is being blocked, or if our boundaries are being crossed. In our earlier example of tripping on shoes, you may want 1) Your kids to listen to you, 2) Your house to be tidy, and 3) To feel safe in your home. The shoes in the hallway and the kids not tidying up their shoes block reality from matching how you want it to look. Recognizing what message the emotion of anger is communicating with you helps you to accurately problem solve the issue. Or, if the issue cannot be solved, then understanding the anger message helps you reconsider your perspective.

With that in mind, let’s chat about some practical steps that can help curb an unwanted anger response.

Step 1: Acknowledge that you are feeling angry. You might say something out loud, or keep it in your head. Anger acknowledgements look like this: “I’m starting to feel frustrated.” or “I’m quite angry right now. I need space.”

Step 2: Notice what you are feeling in your body. You may feel your fist clenching and the urge to throw something welling up inside. Or you may get tension in your shoulders, and feel the urge to seclude yourself. These body sensations are anger’s way of getting your attention.

Step 3: Ask yourself what your body needs right now. This can look different for everyone – sometimes we need to let the anger energy out in a safe way (punching a punching bag, going for a run or bike ride, stomping your feet, chopping wood). Other times, your body will ask for you to help it calm down (give it space, remove auditory stimulation, cool it down by splashing water on your face or having a cold shower).

Step 4: When you are ready, ask yourself “What is it about this situation that is bringing up anger right now?” The answer should also answer the question “What is it that I want, and how is it being blocked?”

Step 5: Either problem solve, or adjust your expectations. If the block that you are experiencing is something that you can problem solve, then find a solution that works for you and those around you. If it isn’t something that can be solved, then you may need to adjust your expectations. For example, if the baby crying is making you feel angry, then you can problem solve by getting ear plugs, and working with your partner to take the crying baby in shifts.

Conclusion

Anger is an emotion that has a bad reputation. It can illicit aggressive behaviours, and be quite scary when not managed properly. Changing your relationship with anger is a helpful way to start the anger management process. Like every other emotion, anger has a message to share, and it is an important message. We need to know when our boundaries are being crossed, or we are otherwise reaching an emotional limit.

Having a healthy relationship with anger means that anger does not control you, nor do you use anger to manipulate others. It means that you respond to anger in a way that protects you and your boundaries, while also being respectful of those around you.

Anger is a very normal response to stress, and stress is a very normal occurrence when you’re in early parenthood. If you’re noticing that anger is a struggle for you, I invite you to book a consultation with me. You don’t have to be at the mercy of your anger.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.