When you found out that you were going to be a dad, what was your response? Did your heart leap with joy, or did anxiety cause your breath to stop? Maybe you felt both. When someone announces that they will be welcoming a baby into the world, the response is usually “Congratulations!” Having a baby can be an absolutely joyous time, but it is also a highly stressful time; a time when mental health struggles can rear their ugly heads and rob you of your joy.
Maybe as you read this, you are holding your newborn babe. It might be late at night, and it’s your turn to be up with the baby while your partner gets some much needed rest. Yes, this time of life is exhausting and stressful, but the question is – when does the exhaustion and stress turn from being bearable to having significant impacts on your mental health? You’ve heard of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, and you’re wondering if dads can experience these things too.
The answer is YES. Dads can absolutely experience perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs), more commonly known as postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. Even if you aren’t experiencing full-blown PPD or PPA, your mental health can still be impacted by the stress that comes from having your life absolutely turned upside-down by the presence of a tiny human.
If your mental health is taking a hit, here are some of the things that you may notice:
- Feeling happy less often.
- Not feeling as excited about things that you would have been excited about in the past
- Feeling disinterested in things that you used to enjoy
- Feeling disconnected from others – your partner and kid(s) included
- An increase in anger or rage
- Physical symptoms – a racing heart, shortness of breath, stomach aches, headaches, muscle tension
- Intrusive thoughts – thoughts that pop into your head seemingly from no where, and include stressful images that you may feel ashamed to talk about
- An increase in worry, sometimes to the point of losing sleep because you aren’t able to stop worrying
- Guilt over not being enough
- Pressure to “do it all” – take care of everyone and everything all of the time
What do I do?
If while you were reading that list, you found yourself nodding more often than not, you might want to find support. What does that look like and how do you do it? Good questions.
Talk to someone. One of the first steps that you can take is to talk to someone you trust about what’s going on for you. For some people this is a trusted friend, their own dad, their mom, or their partner.
Call a support line. Did you know that there are support lines specifically for new parents? Neither did I, until I had my SECOND baby. In Canada, you can call The Pacific Postpartum Society (PPPS), and tell them I say hi. The volunteers for PPPS are amazing, nonjudgmental, and supportive. They are well-versed in postpartum support, and can connect you to even more helpful resources. PS: I’m not being paid to write any of this, so you know it is an honest review.
Find professional help. Support from friends and volunteers is great, but sometimes you want or need someone who has specialized training in mental health support. Talking to a counsellor is something that a lot of men haven’t considered. North American culture shudders at the idea of a man reaching out for professional help, and this stigma needs to change. If you’re looking for a counsellor, look for someone who has training in perinatal mental health, or who specializes in working with men. Find someone who you “click” with. Most counsellors offer a free consultation, so you have a chance to get to know them a bit before committing to a full session. If you’re living in British Columbia, book a free consultation with me. I work with men, and I have specialized training in perinatal mental health.
Conclusion
Being a parent in hard work, and often thankless work. Becoming a parent is a rollercoaster ride unlike any other. It is during these times of significant change and stress that our mental health is most likely to take a hit. For men, this can be especially challenging, because North American culture defines masculinity as being without emotions. To quote Emily Nagoski, “Men have to be winners” – and admitting that you are struggling with your mental health is not exactly winning.
If you’re reading this today, please give yourself permission to be human. Humans struggle when change occurs – especially when that change involves babies. Whether you were jumping for joy when you found out that you would be a father, or you were thinking “Oh no, that’s not what I wanted,” having a healthy relationship with your mental health is a foundational factor for being a resilient, healthy parent. You are important, and your mental health matters. Take care of you by booking a counselling session today.
Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.
Kala McKenzie is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Victoria, British Columbia. She holds a Master’s Degree in Counselling Psychology, has specialized training in perinatal mental health, and is a member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors. If you are an adult living in BC and interested in counselling with Kala, book a complimentary consultation here.
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