Coping with Postpartum Rage: Tips for Parents

You’ve become a parent. You love your baby, but you have a secret. When baby cries, or when you’re feeling stressed, you feel rage inside. Not just anger – rage. It feels like you’re going to explode, yelling and maybe even throwing things. You leave baby in the crib, go to your room and hit the wall. You scream into your pillow. You feel irritable and cranky, and you don’t want anyone to know about how much rage lives in your body.

You do not understand what is happening to you, and you feel ashamed that you cannot control this rage. You’ve never had “anger issues” before, so why is this happening now?

Postpartum Rage

What’s happening is called postpartum rage. Many parents in the perinatal phase experience postpartum rage, but the statistics are lacking because it isn’t an official diagnosis. It can be labelled as a symptom of Postpartum Depression or Postpartum Anxiety, but many argue that people can experience postpartum rage without a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder (PMAD).

Regardless of its classification, postpartum rage can make you worry that you’ve lost your mind (which you haven’t). The truth of the matter is that as a parent of a little one, you have a lot going on – environment changes, schedule adjustments, changes to your physical needs, and changes to your autonomy. As wonderful as it can be, adding a baby to your life is also quite stressful.

Understanding Postpartum Rage

To understand rage, we need to take a look at the root emotion, anger. Feeling anger indicates one of two things: 1) My boundaries are being crossed, or 2) There is something blocking something that is important to me or that I want. For example, if I have to pick up my kid from daycare, but when I leave the house I find that my neighbour has blocked my driveway, making it likely that I will be late for pick up, I would feel angry. It is important to me that I pick up my kid on time, and my ability to do that is blocked by my neighbour’s car in front of my driveway. Anger is a well-suited emotion here.

The circumstances of pregnant and postpartum life fit the definition of anger very well. On a biological level, we humans have needs that are very important to us. We need food, water, shelter, and sleep. Hopefully your shelter isn’t in question, but food, water and sleep can all be impacted by the addition of a baby, especially for the person who birthed the baby and (if this is the case for you) is breastfeeding the baby. Being postpartum can mean that you are hungry and thirsty all the time, seemingly no matter how much you eat. And I don’t think I need to explain how sleep needs are being challenged by baby. Show me a parent of an infant that isn’t exhausted. All these changes can illicit a strong sense of anger.

Pregnancy and postpartum life also includes a lot of boundary crossings or boundary adjustments. As a pregnant person, your body is being examined by a medical professional regularly. Additionally, the change to your physical form is somehow considered fair game for comments by all people in your life, strangers and family alike. Some people even think it is okay to touch your baby bump without asking, which is asking for trouble if you ask me.

After baby is born, your body is constantly being touched. Baby snuggles can be wonderful, but sometimes you just want time without another human touching you – including your baby. Your clothes don’t fit like they used to, you have spit up and other bodily fluids on you all the time, and you can’t seem to get your boobs to stop leaking. Whether we want to label this as a “boundary crossing” or not, in many ways you have temporarily lost control of your body, and the feeling is similar enough to a boundary crossing that it illicit anger.

What do I do?

Understanding that it is normal to experience postpartum rage is the first step when it comes to the question “What do I do about postpartum rage?” When you feel the rage boil in your system, thinking to yourself “I’m crazy” can actually make the rage feelings intensify. If, instead, you acknowledge what is happening by thinking “Oh, this again. Postpartum rage is so hard!” it will likely be easier to withstand the uncomfortable rage feeling.

Another thing that you can do is allow yourself to express the rage in a healthy way. Anger is not a bad emotion, and as we discussed above, it is actually quite rational for you to feel angry right now. Anger is an emotion that comes with big energy, especially when it has reached a “rage” state. It really helps if that energy can leave your system, and you can do that by

• Screaming into a pillow
• Donning some boxing gloves, and attacking a punching bag
• Chopping wood
• Going for a run
• “Angry scribbling” – take a piece of paper and a writing device, and scribble as hard as you can
• Having a “temper tantrum” on your bed – scream and kick and punch the bed
• Writing an angry letter that isn’t meant for anyone to read, but for you to get all the angry thoughts out of your head

While some of these suggestions seem ridiculous or immature, expending the angry energy in a healthy way should help the rage dissipate.

Counselling is also an excellent help for postpartum rage. It is difficult to express how you are feeling to others because not everyone understands that postpartum rage is a normal part of life. It is important to talk about how you are feeling with someone safe. A counsellor can be that person, especially if the counsellor has specialized training in perinatal mental health.

Bringing tiny humans into the world is no simple feat. It is stressful and exhausting, to say the least. It takes almost all of your energy to care for the tiny human, but it is important to reserve some of that energy for your own mental wellbeing. Remember, you are important, and your mental health matters.

Disclaimer: The content of this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to substitute the advice or diagnosis of a medical doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. If you are concerned that you may have Perinatal/Postpartum Depression, or another Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder, please contact a doctor or public health unit for assessment.